Success at MAMA!!

I'm so proud of 2NE1 for their success in today's MAMA! I can't help but be teary eyed because all their hard work paid off. They poured all their efforts and they deserve every award they got. I've never been a fan before so this is all new to me. I feel that as a fan, I was there every step of the way. Now that they have been rewarded, I just can't help but grow even fonder of these girls. If given the chance, I want them to know how much they inspire me to always do my best no matter what.

I also love the YG family love they have shown. Even though I'm just a fan, I feel like I'm part of that family.

lost

Lost and headed nowhere
Void of all feelings
Empty beyond doubt
Passion lacking

Please save me

Obsession kills

I'm beginning to think that my obsession is in KPOP, particularly with 2NE1 is consuming me. I spend my every waking day thinking about them. The big chunk of time during the day is spent in front of the computer, surfing the net and finding something new about KPOP. It's like I lost control and let this urge of obsessing over Koreans take over me. According to Bo Sanchez, obsession is a way to fill emptiness in each of us. I think it's our coping mechanism working when we unintentionally develop an obsession. I also think that obsession is a reflection of the desires of our hearts. Paula Rinehart tells her readers that it is important not to disregard our desires. We should let it lead us because it is where we will discover the reason for living. I guess what really bothers me right now is that I don't have balance in my life right now. I like KPOP too much and 2NE1 way tooooo much. While there is nothing wrong about liking something so much, there still has to be balance. I should go back to the balancing everything in my life so that I'd be able to feel the peace again.

I haven't said this in a long time. Thank you Lord. I will always be thankful for everything.

I like you because..

I was completely blown away by your performance. At first, I was not aware that you had that effect on me. It was unexplainable feeling that came over me. Looking back, I realized that it was your charisma that's overflowing on stage that really got me hooked. I watched 2NE1 TV and somehow I have gotten to know you more. I see myself in you. You are that type of person who puts on a tough facade but deep inside there is an undeniable softness that just goes unexpressed. You inspire me to always do my best in whatever I do. I hope one day I would get to meet you.

Fucking bumps on the road

They say that when you encounter a bump in the road, you should take time to breathe and move on after wards. I recently got into an accident. I don't know how the hell am i supposed to move on with this. It's not as bad. It's just that i have to live with my sisters' constant nagging. O Lord please help me.

Doubts

Lord, please help me when doubts fill my heart and mind. Replace it with Your grace so i'll be able to offer my best to others.

So help me God

I'm having a tough time at work.It was all so overwhelming considering that I have limited training. I thank God for the nice office mates I have and over all I'm really blessed to be surrounded by really nice persons. Thank You Lord!

I STAND BY MY DECLARATION

I have no idea what God has planned for me. Maybe He has it all laid out and I'm just about to reach that point where i would gracefully go through that part of the journey. I can't wait! I'm so excited! If there is one thing to learn in all the hard things that I've been through, it's really to trust God with your life. It seems illogical but that is why it's called a leap of faith. I choose to thank God for helping me get by. I still firmly believe that this is all a preparation for something BIG and really good in my life. Hard times will definitely end so instead i'll be happy and prepared to welcome a good day ahead! God thank You so much. I'm waiting for your tight embrace. =)

MY DECLARATION

YES GOD HAS BETTER PLANS FOR ME. I HAVE WAITED FOR SO LONG. BUT SO WHAT SOMETHING GOOD IS ALWAYS WORTH THE WAIT! I WILL GET A GOOD JOB SOON. I WILL GET A JOB THAT MATCHES MY EDUCATIONAL BACKGROUND. I WILL GET A JOB THAT WILL MAKE ME A GOOD PERSON. I WILL GET A JOB THAT I WILL THOROUGHLY ENJOY. I WILL GET A JOB THAT I AM BORN TO DO. I WILL GET A JOB THAT WILL MAKE MY FAMILY PROUD. I WILL GET A JOB WITH A HEALTHY WORKING ENVIRONMENT. I WILL GET A JOB THAT WILL MAKE ALL MY FAILURES IRRELEVANT. I WILL GET A JOB AND I THANK GOD FOR THAT.

Be hopeful, hopeful and He'll find a way!

I’m strong in the Lord. I’m blessed. I’m forgiven. I’m protected. I’m redeemed. I’m equipped. I’m anointed. Healing flows in my body. New doors will open before me. I’ll meet the right people, the right opportunities, at the right time, at the right place. I’ll regain ten times what I lost…
In Jesus name!

I CAN'T LET MYSELF BE SUCKED IN THIS DOWNWARD SPIRAL. I GET MY STRENGTH FROM JESUS TO RISE ABOVE MY SITUATION. I WILL FOREVER BE THANKFUL TO THE LORD WHO HAS BEEN WITH ME IN THIS TIME OF TRIAL. I KNOW IT WILL END SOON. I KNOW I AM BEING PREPARED FOR SOMETHING BIG IN MY LIFE. I AM NOT BORN TO BE A LOSER. I AM BLESSED AND IT IS MY DUTY TO PAY IT FORWARD.

Preparing for take off

As what I've said in my previous entry, I've been through a lot of frustrations this year. As i refuse to focus on my failures, i did my best to shift my attention from the negative to positive. I can feel the fire in my heart and i still continue to pray to God that this would be the start of something good.

I need a light bulb

I believe that in every difficult situation, there is a tricky way to get out of it. I'm facing a major setback right now. I tried the conventional way out but it doesn't seem to work for me. I just have to find that hidden passage way out so that i can see the light. I will continue praying that God would soon lead me to that path where i can redeem myself and do what i was born to do.I will soon get to that light bulb moment.

Where is the love?

I know in my heart that God loves me. After all that is happening to me, how can i continue believing that God really does loves me? Sometimes i just want to fade away.

Random Thoughts for today

Another big blow
The Philippines is again bracing itself for another typhoon, only a week after the devastating typhoon Ondoy. A lot of people are still trying to recover from the unexpected onslaught of Ondoy yet here's Pepeng slowly showing off its extreme force. People have learned their lessons now. Filipinos are now prepared by expecting the worst. Lots of people have hoarded basic necessities such as food, water, flashlight, batteries, and many more. Owners of supermarkets cannot keep up with the demand of easy to cook food such as canned goods, noodles, and water.

At first you'd think that a lot of people have now become paranoid. But after Ondoy, no one could be complacent enough. Ondoy left everyone dumbfounded and overwhelmed by nature's wrath. Who knew that even those people who belong to the upper bracket of the society would be affected by the flood brought by Ondoy?

Preparing Myself
I've been unproductive for the majority of 2009. I've encountered more failures than successes. I became so down at one point but I always know how to stand up again and keep on fighting no matter what. This drought in my life taught me not to waste my time again and even made me realize the importance of giving it your best shot always so as not to have regrets in the end.

Birthday prayer

Dear Lord, i'm sorry i didn't get the chance to go to Quiapo today. I'm really sorry. I will instead say my prayers here. Thank you very much for the people who greeted me. I really appreciate that they took time to greet me in facebook and thru text. Thank you so much for all the blessings that i have received in my 20th year. Now that i'm 21, i think that a lot of difficulties made me a stronger and better person. This is an opportunity for me to look inside of me and improve on myself. Thank you so much. I hope and pray that you continue to shower blessing to me and my family. I love you.

how to be happy?

because that is all i want to be..

God provides

I see a single ray of light shining down my path. Hopefully it would spread lightness over my life and see the light of day. It has been a while since I enjoyed bathing under that light of God. Whatever I'm going through, I am not going to give up.

reflections

i learned never to waste time and resources. if i have something, never take it for granted. don't look for what is not there and will never be there. don't be envious of other people. they have a different life from yours. they may seem happy but you don't know the real story. appreciate whatever you have. never ever give up. it doesn't help to be negative. instead of worrying too much, think about good and positive things in your life. i repeat it doesn't help to be pessimistic. whatever the outcome of something, be thankful for it. there are things that are not for you to decide. God is in control so just trust Him. again mark it on your head, pessimism won't do you any good. always remember to be thankful if not you'll end up regretful.

emotional baggage

Whether I put a name on it or not, I always have this emotional baggage that I carry everywhere I go. As much as I would like to get rid of it, I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to do that. They say forgive everyone who offended you, who have sinned against you, who put you through a lot of crap. To say 'i forgive you' is easy, but to really mean it is an entirely different story. They say, it starts with the Lord. So ok, where do I find you Lord? Because you seem to be absent in my life for a long time. Am I too negative or nothing is really happening?

darkness

i am currently living in utter darkness. i can't see the path where i'm supposed to head. from where i'm standing, i can see several roads but i don't know how i'm going to be in any of that road. i feel like there isn't something or someone that would save me. in times like this, i'd like to believe that God is watching over me. i'd like to believe that God will help me. i'd like to believe that with Him all things are possible. i'd like to believe that He wants my complete trust before i get on. i'm feeling weak, frustrated, angry, and i'm losing hope. what should i do? should i stop and wait for something to happen? should i go on and search for something? what if i don't find something like what happened before? i really don't know anymore. as much as i would want to trust God with everything, i don't know if i should act or stop. so what's next for me? what's in it for me?

where you at?

maybe where i'd like to isn't where i'm supposed to be? but whatever You plan for me, i hope it's good.

let me have a life

i still don't have a job therefore i don't have a life. why Lord? i'm losing my sanity! i'm just so fuckin worthless. i'm not doing anything worthwhile. i can't find my direction, if there is a direction. please illuminate that direction. where am i headed? where am i going? i have no idea. i have no idea. i thought i had an idea. i thought it was easy. but it wasn't. where am i headed? where is this nothingness leading me? where do i go from here? where? why are you letting me suffer this way? kulang pa ba? i'm losing it. please. i don't know anymore. you've taken everything away.

keep on hoping but can't get moving

i see myself now as a failure. i don't know what to feel towards the recent happenings. it's just too much for me to handle. i don't know where God is directing me. i don't know if i'm mad at HIM or what. i just don't know anymore. i'd like to believe that there is a job for me. i just hope that i still have the strength to get going.

Lord, i know i'm not worthy to ask anything from You. please help me get a job. i've been searching for months now and no job seems to want me. i know i've done crazy stuff before and maybe i deserve this punishment. but please i'm begging You to help me get a job before August. i kept on finding a job but it didn't work. i pray that the job would find me. it sounds impossible yeah. but i don't think i still have the strength to keep looking. i pray that i'll get a job that is 'perfect' for me. perfect in a sense that it will match my skills, will lead me to achieve my long term goals, good salary, good working environment, convenient and safe office, nice bosses, nice company, and all that would explain why i didn't get the jobs that i applied for.

i sound demanding but they say that you have to pray specifically. i also pray for the strength to go on.

i get what i want! i want! i want! i want!

i feel like i'm dying

just when i thought that i was accepting the past, i suddenly felt my heart ache as i remember the pain you've caused. because of you, i found it hard to open up due to my fear of getting insulted again. ouch.

things to do when i get home

1. get a license
2. get a job
3. get a life
4. exercise daily. hey, exerise releases endorphins in our brains. endorphins make us happy. happy people don't kill other people. hehe
5. confess
6. pray
7. forgive
8. be happy
9. be rich
10. love

i've packed my luggage. i've been far away only to realize that distance is irrelevant. i'm still hurting. not because you didn't love me back. not because our relationship didn't work. not because you insulted me. it's BECAUSE it's finally sinking in. i lost YOU and you're never coming back. one day we'll face each other again and i know for sure that i will not see the same person i used to know.

you know why losing you hurts so much? it's because i put on this front that i'm a strong person and i don't know how to be vulnerable again. i'm alienated to others and so on.. life sucks after that.

i still see you as a wonderful person. i hate myself for loving you still. i hate myself more for admitting it. wherever you are i pray for your safety and happiness.

time to sort out

damn it i live in the past sometimes the future but rarely the present. it's not supposed to be this way. but then again i hate to admit it but i find it difficult to live in the NOW. i guess it's only possible if you're really happy with the present.

why i look back..
i used to be a really open person. it's easy for me to like and trust people. after getting hurt so bad by random people, it's just so hard to appear vulnerable again. i noticed in myself that i ALWAYS appear strong but the truth is i'm not. i appear everything that i'm not. i guess i found it easier that way. i'm not getting hurt but i'm alienating myself from others.

into the future..
i daydream a lot, hoping that things will unfold the way that i want it or the way it would solve my situation. i picture it in my mind but it's never happening. i guess what i visualize isn't the best for me.

something better than what i think is best is going to happen. it's not my job to figure it out but to just welcome it with open arms.

thank you God for being there always.

now a year after

maybe i haven't forgiven you yet for all the insults that i've taken from you. but everyday i pray to the Lord to give me strength to forgive you. i just don't know how to reach out to you or do i have to be the one to reach out?

in love

yes, i've always been in love. but unlike other people, i am unhappy. why? because i got it all wrong. i'm in love with the past. i've forgotten about the person. i'm just in love with our past. it's all an illusion. now, how do you stop that?

in a much better place

"You have to believe in yourself
when no one else does.
That's what makes you a winner."
- Venus Williams

i watched the video of balik marihatag last year. i remembered how terrible i felt when everything between us was just so fucked up. there's no better way to describe it. after more than a year, there probably isn't a closure. i now know that as soon as i go back in Manila, i will start a new life. reset, start anew, and leave the past behind. as they say, it's better to get lost moving on.

a person with no past

there's this girl who had no past. she's in a new place living a new life. she doesn't know if it's a blessing. for so many years she struggled with her past. how can you move on gracefully if you're carrying the weight ofthe past? so now she lives a new life. now all she worries about is adjusting.

it's interesting to be a person with no past, especially if you're the type who worries about the past.

moving on is a choice

just a while ago, i semi-intentionally drown myself in sorrow. the moment i woke up this morning, the emptiness in my chest always demands my attention. i totally lost you and a part of me got lost as well. so there goes my sanity. i was reduced to a merely existing individual. it's not really you that i'm craving for in my life. my longing for you carries with it a lot of things. a thought just suddenly sank to my sub-concious mind. moving on from the pain is a choice. you will come to a point where you would have to decide if you'll remain stuck or be practical and move on with your life. now, i've decided to cut the strings that hold me back to my past. it's just not right anymore to be feeling this way when she has moved on long time ago. my focus is business and nothing else. we had a wonderful and bitter past but it's over now and we both have moved on.

release

is it just a state of mind? but i feel lonely frequently. i just feel that i got no connection with anyone. i have to admit it's partly my fault. i'm still clinging to those people whom i've made special connection with like E and J. i'm happy about my relationship with E. we're friends and all that even if we've had a crazy past behind us. with J, i'm not saying it's hopeless but i can still feel the pain in my heart. i loved her so much. i haven't seen the bigger picture yet. this pain is just part of the bigger and better picture. maybe we can talk about everything. maybe. or should we just shrug off the everything that happened and move on? i was hoping that maybe we can be friends if possible. well, i'm throwing all my cards and surrender this to the Lord. it's up to You Lord. i just don't know anymore. as much as i want to get rid of the excess baggage, i just don't know how. please, release me from this pain.

SULIT NA SULIT!

I have been using sulit.com.ph for almost 6 hours now. I log in to sulit.com.ph if ever i have to post an ad or look for a job. Their admin is really strict and they will immediately call your attention if you have violated any of rules they have set. They continue to maintain their credibility as well as improve their website. So guys if you have any ads, I highly recommend that you post it in sulit.com.ph. Why? Because they have about 15,000 members online from time to time! You can even post an ad that you’re looking for a job. Someone will definitely reply to that ad post!

http://www.sulit.com.ph/?ref=teamuno

don't give up!

"Long-range goals keep you from being
frustrated by short-term failures."
- James Cash Penney

jump!

it seems that i'm groping in the dark. yet, i still continue to grasp the truth in the absence of light. it's like a self-imposed torture and there's no stopping it. should someone stop it for me? a lot of people did but are not very successful.
i've read somewhere that no amount of logic would make the pain go away. so the question lingers; am i really in the dark or do i keep myself in the dark? so maybe to stop being irrational, you must counter it with another irrationality. i believe that is what they call the leap of faith. how is that exactly? don't think just jump. it's either i fall on a more solid ground or i'll soar high.

power!!!

"When a man is willing and eager,
the gods join in."
- Aeschylus

you must feel that you deserve it.

SPELL SUCCESS

"To guarantee success, act as
if it were impossible to fail."
- Dorothea Brande

forgive..

"To forgive is the highest, most beautiful
form of love. In return, you will receive
untold peace and happiness."
- Dr. Robert Muller

oh feelings

let me get this straight. i don't know if you ever have an access to this. whatever. i just want you to know that a part of me still feels the pain of what happened last year. i know it's insane to carry this pain a long time. but i just don't know how to totally let it go. a part of me is still amazed how i was able to love a person so much. i loved you so much and maybe i still do. what i really don't know is if i'm still capable of loving you after hurting me big time. i pray to God to give me strength to forgive you. i just have to remind myself that you're a good person and that you're not the type who would hurt someone intentionally. i hope you're doing well. you will be graduating soon. since i'm not part of your life anymore, i just want you to know that i'm very proud of everything that you've achieved. it hurts that you don't need me anymore but i just have to find my happiness without you in it.

sulit.com.ph!

doubts

from time to time, we doubt ourselves. we doubt our capabilities and we doubt if we can ever make things happen. these doubts tend to paralyze us from doing things to achieve our goals. our subconscious mind already pictured that we won't make it even before we even take action. it sucks when we stopped believing; believing in a bright future, believing we can be who we want to be, believing that we deserve a good life. somehow, our friends and people close to us make us see what we fail to see in ourselves. most of the time we only see our imperfections and our weaknesses that we forgot that we also have strengths. most of all God is there loving us, sometimes we aren't even fully aware of it.

God, this is the time when my mind is filled with doubts. no amount of positive thinking seem to make it go away. please Lord help me overcome this. there seems to be a placebo effect when i'm not in the right frame of mind. everything else doesn't seem right. Lord, i'm humbly asking for guidance. i'm humbly asking for light to clear my vision and be the person that i'm meant to be. it's not a selfish request Lord. it's just that when i feel good, i radiate that goodness to people around me. please, help me because i can't do this without You.

positive!

1. i am sensitive to others' needs
2. i care for others even though it seems that i don't
3. i am a happy go lucky person
4. i love making people laugh
5. i want to inspire people
6. i want to be a blessing to others
7. i strive to improve myself
8. i comfortably express myself through writing
9. i am very respectful
10. i strive to live my life to the fullest

also a letter to villete

i still have feelings for you. but i don't know if it's love or you're just a very bad habit to break. you're my addiction and i need to go to rehab for this. i guess my mind always drifts back to the time when i loved someone so much. it's incredible to know that i can love that way. ironically, i felt love for a person and at the same time i felt unloved by that same person. things happened already and i just can't get over it. i still feel bitterness. you made me feel i wasn't needed. you confused me with the letter you sent to villete. i don't know. i guess we won't see each other soon. I pray to God that we'll find our way to fix our stained relationship. i don't know. but i still haven't forgiven you fully.

crooked beliefs

It always comes to a point where we have little belief in ourselves. Sometimes we have no belief in ourselves at all. Just when you're ready to give up, people close to you comes and make you remember that genuine person beneath your imperfections. We are blinded by the fact that we don't possess a certain trait. Thanks to our friends and loved ones, they take off those blinders and let us see clearly how great we really are.

oh fuck

yes, everything in my life right now seems to be all fucked up. i have no job at the moment. i'm about to lose all my money. i'm having doubts with my business. i just can't seem to achieve something. i can't resist distractions. God, help me get a life! please?

my own fight

the issue isn't about her and her ex anymore. it's about me knowing my worth without her as my reference. it's a fight on my own. she made me feel worthless. it's up to me now to rise against that fall.

insecure

i just saw her friendster profile. i felt a tightness in my chest. it was for real. it's like the flow of blood in my heart was disrupted. i knew exactly the reason why. i am insecure. she's the "replacement." compared to her, i feel nothing. but i know that i not nothing. we have differences. she's a trophy girlfriend and that's good. i just feel insecure. but so what? i can still be everything she's not.

negative to positive

i am becoming a person that i really hate. i hate negative people. i hate people who question their worth and then rubs off negative vibes to people around them. yet this negative thinking pattern is taking over me and i hate it. how do i reverse the situation? motivational quotes seem to lose its effect on me. what the fuck is wrong with me? Lord, please help me so i can help others. no amount of meditation seem to work. oh fuck it.

pride in business

i have so much pride in my body. and i'm becoming aware that it's harmful in my life. maybe, i have to displace that pride in another area of my life. i should take pride in the business that i do. i should not treat it as a rebound. as some top earners would say, "mahalin mo lang itong negosyo, mamahalin ka rin nito." but right now, i'm not treating the business with justice. i take pride in this business. whoever says that this business is for trying hard entrepreneurs is being judgmental. networkers do business with principle. they are in a legal business, ok? they have different strategies to let people know about the business. i don't need to go any further. i take pride in what i do.

spontaneous and no plans at all

Before year 2008 ended, I vowed to myself that I'm going to be more spontaneous in the following year. Indeed, I lived up to my word. I resigned from my call center job with no clear plans as to what my next step would be. Until now, I still have not had my clearance in the company I worked for. I said that I will be focusing on my business, only to discover that having this business is not easy as I thought it would be. Looking back, I realized that the assurance of my uplines was what really made me go for this business. I have their full support but it seems that I can't support myself. With all these disappointments, I don't know how to go on anymore. Swallowing pride is first and foremost the most difficult thing for someone who only has PRIDE. Yes, I am so full of myself. Even if I have nothing to brag about, I seem to brag the little things. How do I get rid of pride, especially if that is all left of the person? Fuck.

photos sometimes lie

i have just uploaded our bora photos in multiply, facebook, and friendster. it was a "perfect" vacation. bora is the place to be! true enough, many envied my so called fun life. photos don't always capture the whole picture. it does not go beyond the surface. yes, i may look like i'm happy but the truth is that i'm a person who is having a difficulty coming into terms with my past. i feel stuck and i feel like i'm developing this homing instinct with my situation. i don't know. i'm so fucked up. i always try to be in control. i can't let this happen to me. i mean, fuck..i can do more. i can be a better person. but my hang ups are stopping me. fuck, fuck, fuck!!! please, Lord, help me..

my whole being is on strike

i'm just not in the mood in doing something. what for? i wish i'd disappear.

sort it out

how shall i begin this? i've been thinking about her ever since god knows when. no amount of distraction can make me leave any thoughts of her off my mind. maybe it's the holiday hangover. we did not greet each other as expected. our pride has created a high wall between us and i can't even imagine how we'll sort of meet each other. i got hurt real bad and i feel like is shouldn't be the one to reach out to her. why the fuck will i do that? my pride just would not let me. well, i guess i have to fix my state of mind first before i ever face her again. it has been months since we last saw each other. but what the hell. we're not part of each other's life. i still have no idea where i am in her life. apparently nowhere. just a memory and that's fine. nothing wrong with that because she also is just a part of my memory. someone in the past that keeps bugging me even if we are physically away from each other for a very long time now. deep in my heart, i long to fix things with you. not really get back to you, just patch things up. give up the hurt, anger and all the negativities boiling inside of me. despite the sloshing of fucked up emotions inside of me, i'm still thankful that regret isn't one of them. i've been slapped hard in the face with regrets so i know how bad it is. let me try and sort this fucking emotions that are really confusing me.
ANGER
BITTERNESS
PAIN
WHAT IFS
let me do that in the next entry. bye for now.