haunted

it's the time again when i'm haunted by sad memories. i know i have no choice but to close that chapter in my life and i'm about to enter a new one. maybe i'm scared. maybe i'm too scared becaue i don't really know what's in store for me outside my comfort zone. it's scary. that i refuse to leave my comfort zone even if it's not too comfortable anymore. Lord. please. help. me. i can't do this alone. i don't want to be bitter. i want to be better.

enough!

i'm never enough for you.
stupid. don't let your bitterness consume you.
there are a lot of things coming for you.
shit i think i'm developing an alter ego.

you're thinking the wrong thing

you know what to do yet you keep on complaining. always keep in mind the bigger picture. there is a reason for everything that is happening. just have faith in Me. i know where to lead You. do what you gotta do and give it your best shot. you already know your purpose. life is not for you only. offer everything to Me and to others. don't be selfish. change your autopilot.

oh Lord

dear Lord, it's getting really old. you've been letting me carry weight one after the other even when i haven't fully recovered from the first hollow block, you've already added a new one. is this a calling? do you want me to be a nun? shocks. seriously? well, i'm going to be honest with you. it would be hard for me to accept the vow of celibacy! that would make me feel deprived. haha. anyway. please lead me to where you want me to go. i think it's abroad. that's the first thing that pops to my mind. Lord God, you know i've been really struggling to meet you halfway. i don't know how i'm going to settle my wants and needs to Your demands. let's be realistic here. it's not easy to just give up and follow the path of Jesus. i want to take it little by little. i'll do my best to show my love for You and for others.

it's still killing me

i'm still hurt. no matter how hard i deny it. deep inside me it's still so painful. i don't want to hear from you. i just don't. you still have power over me. i don't want anything from you. you don't have to give me anything, not even an explanation. it's like i'm shutting you out of my life all over again. but really..this is something i have to do. i don't want to be unstable again. maybe i'm self-centered for thinking too much about myself. i just loved you too much..way too much.. and it's hard to recover. give me something when i'm somewhere far away na. haha. but then that would more expensive. you're a good person. we all have shortcomings. things happened for a reason. whatever those reasons are, we'll know in the future. let's look at the bigger picture here. this is just part of something. could be something bigger. haha. ala heroes. i'm addicted to that show. you should watch it you know. i'll remember what you said. to find something that would bring out the best in me. i will be the best. mark my word. i will be the best.

fear

fear. many would say that it should be conquered. no matter how big it is, running away should never be an option. remember those times when we're shit so scary with something that is before us that our first reaction is to leave right away. there are other fears that makes us paralyze on how we should deal with it. fear should be tackled every time we come face to face with it. that is what i should do. so help me God.

brace myself

it's not easy to face the real world at such an early age. it's overwhelming that i get to finish college in just three years. my family is already pressuring me to find work. they are definitely against the idea of me being a bum. just so they know, i have to brace myself in facing the real world.

bouts of depression

am i lazy or is it depression that's taking over me? can you blame me for not wanting to face another day? but then again, i'm always given another day that's supposed to make things better. instead of making things happen, paralysis takes over my body that i just can't move. i don't have the will to go on anymore. i seem okay but really i'm dying. is this numbness? i don't have any idea.

wanting too much

is it my fault for wanting too much? i just want to be happy, that's all. maybe i'm expecting too much. i waited for this day. but my expectations are too elaborate that it can't be met. damn. sucks to be this way. i should never expect. really!

too worldly?

maybe my priorities are too worldly. any human being would crave deep affection from another human being. one can't help but feel really depressed for not receiving. but according to Christian teachings, giving love is more important than receiving it. so, okay. now i wanna give it a try. now, where should i begin?
as soon as i woke up this morning, i prayed to God saying that i can't handle the pain..the burden of moving on from a relationship gone bad. i talked to Him and told Him that i should do something that i've never done before. i really had no idea how to handle this thing. instead, a thought hit me. i shouldn't deal with this. i should just leave it all to God. this is beyond my powers. it's not like i can still do something to save the relationship. maybe it's a relationship worth throwing away. i don't really know. it's up to God. i trust Him. i can get through this. Maybe He has better plans and at the end of this dark tunnel that i'm going through, something good will come out. i trust you Lord.

feeling empty

there always comes a time like this when i feel empty but i can't really pin point the real reason. perhaps, it stems from losing a part of me. maybe deep inside me still longs for that gap, a gap so deep that can't seem to be filled. i feel empty. i feel nothing. but i am fully aware that this isn't a journey of nothingness. this is a part that gives meaning to everything else that will come after.

in need of God's grace

i can feel my nerves tightening every time i think about the past. i have to meditate. God, where are you? i'm laying all these to you. this thing i can't handle alone. i need You to carry it with me and together we'll throw bitterness away. i need You in my life. Please never leave my side.

forgiveness

Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.
http://www.heartquotes.net/Forgiveness.html

i will forgive you..i have to be prepared because that day will come..

my attempt to re-ignite my passion

"I say you can't do anything really good until you truly don't care at all if you live or die.
kill me right now, i couldn't care less. it's only when every human misery is just a big joke that you can finally get to enjoy...this life." -Art School Confidential

where is the passion when you need it the most?

where is the passion when you need it the most?
as the song goes, passion is sometimes missing just when you need it to get going. we once claim to be passionate over someone or something. but then reality slaps us in our faces. flames of passion can get extinguished. just when you need it the most. exactly why it gets extinguished? it could be that we were once hurt. the pride for the product of that passion may have been badly criticized or it went on unappreciated. while many others say that i still have much to improve (one way of saying that i sucked), there's only one person who praised my writing. steph, it's you. you told me that you get inspired when you read my multiply blog (even my past blog, secret blog chuva). i know you write better than me that why it's worth a lot when you told me that. i've somehow lost my passion to write. i guess it's the fear that i may be judged again for the wrong grammar, wrong use of words, wrong use of tenses.. fuck that.. yes, it's true they said it for my own sake. but then i became only more conscious. it's like having a panic attack when i have to face the computer and produce something. it's almost the same as having a nervous breakdown when i stare at a blank word document. my mind refuse to bleed on that empty screen before me. i told myself that i will try my best to re-ignite that passion once again. i tried reading books and even finding articles that would help me feel that passion once again. all these were not enough to rediscover that passion. that passion for writing, which comes from the core of my heart. i remember how i quickly had to write down what i had in mind, in fear that it will soon pass my mind. where is it now? where? i don't know. i want the passion back. the passion to express myself without the fear that anyone would point out my mistakes. i just hate it when someone lets me feel that i am not good enough. it's like my mind shuts down because of the shit that's pointed out in my work. Help me God.

i officially declare myself as an artist.
"Artists live in that one narcotic bliss." -Art School Confidential