struggle

the more i struggle to have inner peace, the more powerless i feel. Lord, what do i need to do? to end this chaos within. i don't think it's still bitterness. perhaps, this is still attachment. maybe i'm too scared to let go fully of the past. i'm even more scared to admit that to myself. come to think of it, what would life be when i'm free from all the chains of the past? i'd like to believe that it's better. i feel like i'm using the past as shield to the disappointing present. or, i'm labeling the present as disappointing. Lord, i just know in my heart that i have to let go and allow my faith to You to save me. i will, i will. please.. teach me what i need to learn. teach me something that my soul seems to refuse. i'll give You my full trust. i know that You alone know what is best for me. You know what is best for me. my only task is to trust You. then everything else follows.

let's be positive here

i remember the saying, ditch those people who don't love you. they have no place in your life. don't spend time and energy trying to please someone who can't even find the pleasure of waking up every single day. oh well. i'll try to be positive from then on. there are blessings that are untapped yet. some are already right in front of my face but i still haven't noticed. blessings! blessings! there are numerous blessings that is given to us everyday. we are just too blind to see them. we are blinded by insecurity, past hurts, bitterness, and all the negativity. wake up. wake up. your life is full of blessings. it's time to give it back. be a blessing to someone else.

move on bitch

how can you say when you've really moved on from the past relationship (that includes the past hurts and all hang ups)? all i know that entering into a new relationship doesn't really prove that the past doesn't haunt a person anymore. i feel bothered when i saw her with a new boyfriend. mixed emotions engulfed me. why didn't she tell me? it could be the reason why she no longer seem to care. she even forgot my bday. whatever. she should have told me. we are friends after all. she just doesn't care for the friendship we once had.
how do you say you've moved on?
when you find yourself happy again?
define happiness then.

links

sweet roros every girl should ride.. or didn't even know they're on it..
http://astigirl.blogspot.com/2008/07/last-sweet-roro.html

luis katigbak's blog
http://songsinthecity.blogspot.com

sarah meier's blog
http://mydadknewhendrix.blogspot.com

grief is a journey
http://mourningtojoy.blogspot.com

filipino mom blogger
http://aboutmyrecovery.com

do more!

lately, i've been unhappy. some clutter still resides in my heart. some i'm not even aware of. the biggest clutter i have is the past with J. it's like i am paralyzed. i feel like i can't do things anymore. there is an empty hole in my heart. i decided to remove j in my life. but that huge hole never fails to catch my attention. i still stare at that hole, thinking that there used to be something that fills up that hole. i know that j can't be returned to that hole. simply because j no longer fits in that hole. when i tried to placed j back before in that hole, j made i worse by widening the hole. j is a small creature that i have no use in my life. that sounds harsh. my necessity for j has expired. i mean, even if i attempt to have j back, it's just not right.
i continue living my life with an awareness of that hole. i pretend and put up a front that i can do this on my own. regardless of what i think and feel in my heart, i just know that i have to do more and that i can do more. life isn't about being always happy. it's about creating meaning and living by the greatest principle..love.

bday woes

what are you supposed to feel when it's your bday?? happy? because it's a "special day" or sad because it's not special when it's supposed to be. i guess.. to be grateful is more appropriate since another year had passed yet you're still alive.. able to get through a roller coaster year.. hmm.. thank You Lord!

i pretend not to care

i pretend not to care in the coming UAAP finals between archrivals lasalle and ateneo. right now, i'm just happy the two schools met in the finals. lasalle-ateneo game is like a date. it's always thrilling and fun.. or not. this time, since it's a finals it's like a date taking place in a place like no other. a cruise maybe.
again let me tell you that a lasalle-ateneo game is more than just a ball game. (why? i'll indicate the reason when i find the right words)
i've imagined this scene before and i knew that i couldn't take the pressure of watching the finals. win or lose, it would definitely be a nerve-wracking experience. imagine two schools giving it all but in the end there's always a team that has to deal with the loss. i'm the type who can't accept a loss against ateneo. i remember the last time i watched game one for this season, i felt really disappointed that i ended up not singing our alma mater. haha. i was frustrated not because of losing itself but because i lined up two hours to get the tix and then what? i was hoping that it would break the "curse." the curse that whenever i watch a game in araneta. lasalle always ends up losing. i want to know how it feels to watch a winning game (against ateneo) in araneta! hello, Lord? is it too much to ask? i'm the going to argue with the Lord, since He is The Lord.

i pretend not to care when my sisters tease me to watch the game so that lasalle would lose. my sister (the tomasino doctor) even offered to get me tickets no matter how much it would cost her. tsss.. tsssssssssssssss... she even dared me to watch the most crucial games.. game2 or game 3 if there is. my other sister (the atenean) told me a few months back that i don't have to worry about my tix..she'll get me one (probably in ateneo alumni) so that ateneo will win the game. hah! good thing she's in japan. and the teasing is nonstop.

i pretend not to care that i would miss the flaming school spirit of two top universities in araneta. i wouldn't be a witness to a historic battle. whatever. i'll just watch the game in our tv that's older than me. yes the reception is bad but if lasalle loses maybe it wouldn't hurt that much. if lasalle wins.. IF lasalle wins..i don't know how i would feel. happy because we won. sad because i won't be able to watch it. grrrrr

the need to pluck it out

what is it in you or in our past that makes it hard for me to let go? is it my attachment to you? my attachment to the good things we had? yes you hold a very special place in my heart. but you tend to conquer my whole heart. God what is this about? i'm having a hard time. i know i'm supposed to just leave it all behind. wait let me just go back to our recent past. oh yeah. you made me feel worthless. you made me feel that you don't need me at all. you made me feel that i'm not good enough. maybe you're just being kind to me out of pity. and the greatest thing is that you can't fight for me. i don't deserve you. i just don't. but then again. i choose to be nice to you. i'm sorry but slowly i would need to pluck you out of my life.

proper mindset:
our past is already past
our past is just the past
refer only to the past to learn something from it
give up the thought that we can still be together
see the signs that you don't love me or need me (you made me feel inferior and worthless)
but it's okay, we all commit mistakes once in a while..

i just have to stop..

God please give me the courage to mercilessly pluck out that something you want out of my life. Thank you.

healing

i can feel that i'm healing. i look back on our past as a learning experience. there were mistakes and wrong decisions but nevertheless it made me a different person, a stronger person. i loved you, that's for sure. i have this youthful thoughts of settling down with you but yeah, right it's a crazy thought. i look back and i feel proud of myself for the courage that i displayed in fighting for something i though twas worth it. yes, you are worth it. but maybe i deserve better. you, too deserve only the best. i pray for peace and happiness in your life. i hope you'll always remember me as someone who values you so much and i very much know your worth. i know that you deserve all the good things in life. i hope we'll be able to forgive each other soon so we can be one another's support system.

hands down to UP!

they never fail to inject Filipino culture in their performances. it always leaves me exhilarated for their display of our rich culture. at the same time, i feel ashamed for not knowing much of our own culture. hands down to UP pep squad! woohoo! it made me ponder on why i never considered entering UP. back when i was young, when our car just pass by UP, i said to myself not to study in UP because of the widespread frat violence in the university. it was only on my last year in college that i get to have a new perspective on UP and its students. UP, the way i see it, molds students to be passionate in learning. i've noticed that students of UP are hungry to learn more and do more, create a wave of change in the society.

UP.. tsk..they make me feel ashamed for not exerting enough effort to reach my full potential.