things to do when i get home

1. get a license
2. get a job
3. get a life
4. exercise daily. hey, exerise releases endorphins in our brains. endorphins make us happy. happy people don't kill other people. hehe
5. confess
6. pray
7. forgive
8. be happy
9. be rich
10. love

i've packed my luggage. i've been far away only to realize that distance is irrelevant. i'm still hurting. not because you didn't love me back. not because our relationship didn't work. not because you insulted me. it's BECAUSE it's finally sinking in. i lost YOU and you're never coming back. one day we'll face each other again and i know for sure that i will not see the same person i used to know.

you know why losing you hurts so much? it's because i put on this front that i'm a strong person and i don't know how to be vulnerable again. i'm alienated to others and so on.. life sucks after that.

i still see you as a wonderful person. i hate myself for loving you still. i hate myself more for admitting it. wherever you are i pray for your safety and happiness.

time to sort out

damn it i live in the past sometimes the future but rarely the present. it's not supposed to be this way. but then again i hate to admit it but i find it difficult to live in the NOW. i guess it's only possible if you're really happy with the present.

why i look back..
i used to be a really open person. it's easy for me to like and trust people. after getting hurt so bad by random people, it's just so hard to appear vulnerable again. i noticed in myself that i ALWAYS appear strong but the truth is i'm not. i appear everything that i'm not. i guess i found it easier that way. i'm not getting hurt but i'm alienating myself from others.

into the future..
i daydream a lot, hoping that things will unfold the way that i want it or the way it would solve my situation. i picture it in my mind but it's never happening. i guess what i visualize isn't the best for me.

something better than what i think is best is going to happen. it's not my job to figure it out but to just welcome it with open arms.

thank you God for being there always.

now a year after

maybe i haven't forgiven you yet for all the insults that i've taken from you. but everyday i pray to the Lord to give me strength to forgive you. i just don't know how to reach out to you or do i have to be the one to reach out?

in love

yes, i've always been in love. but unlike other people, i am unhappy. why? because i got it all wrong. i'm in love with the past. i've forgotten about the person. i'm just in love with our past. it's all an illusion. now, how do you stop that?

in a much better place

"You have to believe in yourself
when no one else does.
That's what makes you a winner."
- Venus Williams

i watched the video of balik marihatag last year. i remembered how terrible i felt when everything between us was just so fucked up. there's no better way to describe it. after more than a year, there probably isn't a closure. i now know that as soon as i go back in Manila, i will start a new life. reset, start anew, and leave the past behind. as they say, it's better to get lost moving on.

a person with no past

there's this girl who had no past. she's in a new place living a new life. she doesn't know if it's a blessing. for so many years she struggled with her past. how can you move on gracefully if you're carrying the weight ofthe past? so now she lives a new life. now all she worries about is adjusting.

it's interesting to be a person with no past, especially if you're the type who worries about the past.