HONORABLE MAYOR NASSER PANGANDAMAN JR. BEATS UP FATHER AND SON AT VALLEY GOLF AND COUNTRY CLUB

DAR chief, son face mauling raps
12/27/2008 4:29PM
http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/nat... /08/dars-pangandaman-complained-mauling-antipolo-city-g olfers
Agrarian Reform Secretary Nasser Pangandaman Sr. and his son allegedly mauled two golf players, including a 14-year-old boy, inside a golf club in Antipolo City, Rizal province, on Friday afternoon.
Delfin dela Paz and his 14-year-old son, Bino, went to the Antipolo City police station and filed complaints of serious physical injuries and violation of Republic Act 9262 or the Anti-Violence Against Women and Their Children, against Pangandaman and his son, Mayor Nasser Pangandaman Jr. of Masiu, Lanao del Sur.
Dela Paz told Antipolo City police investigators that he and his son were already on hole No. 6 of the Valley Golf and Country Club in Antipolo City, when the younger Pangandaman tried to overtake them, which they said was against golf etiquette.
The victim said he got mad and tried to complain, but he was suddenly mauled by the mayor and his bodyguards. He added that his son tried to pacify the mayor, but, he too, was mauled by the group.
After the incident, dela Paz said he went to the country club's front desk to complain, but he was followed and mauled again by the mayor and his bodyguards.
Dela Paz said Secretary Pangandaman was one of the men who allegedly mauled him and his son at the country club's front desk.
While being mauled, dela Paz said he saw the younger Pangandaman pull out a gun, which alarmed other people at the golf club.
After the incident dela Paz's daughter Bambee wrote about the incident in her blog site, where she also said the staff and management of the golf club did not help them after the incident.
"None of the security guards even tried to stop the fight. Right in the clubhouse.... The general manager of Valley Golf would not give us the names of the men who made my brother's ear bleed. It took him an hour. Maybe even more than that. He seemed to not want to help us," she wrote in her blog.
Antipolo police said they will file the charges against the Pangandamans.
Meanwhile, in a phone interview, the elder Pangandaman told the ABS-CBN News Channel that it was Dela Paz who started the incident by cursing at his son.
Pangandaman added they did not overtake Dela Paz's group, since they were already ahead of them.
The secretary said they will file counter charges against Dela Paz.
The management of the golf club, meanwhile, has not yet issued any statement as of posting time.
Pangandaman was recently appointed to the government's peace panel with the Moro Islamic Liberation Front (MILF).


***
SADLY, THIS IS THE KIND OF POLITICIANS WE HAVE. THIS IS THE FIRST HAND ACCOUNT OF BAMBEE DE LA PAZ. ALL SHE COULD DO IS WATCH HER FATHER AND BROTHER GET BEATEN UP BY MAYOR NASSER PANGANDAMAN JR.AND HIS BODY GUARDS.
THIS IS THE LINK TO BAMBEE'S BLOG:
http://vicissitude-decidido.blogspot.com

I lash out, but my dad held me back. I was screaming my lungs out, shouting to this mayor, telling him about what he had done. I said: "Nakakahiya kayo. Singkwenta'y sais anyos ang tatay ko. And kapatid ko kakatorse anyos. Anong ilalaban nila sayo?"

****REPOST. REPOST. REPOST SPREAD THE WORD. LET JUSTICE BE SERVED. WHO ARE YOU GOING TO BELIEVE? THIS 18 YEAR OLD KID OR THAT HONORABLE POLITICIAN?

the bottom line is..

the bottom line of all these misery is i don't love myself. i have doubts about myself. you made me doubt about myself. you blew my self-esteem away. where were you when i needed you the most? i've been alone for a long time and i've come to realize that i have to have that inner peace. i have to realize that i don't really need to have someone to realize my worth. God's love for me should be enough to know my worth. God's love for me reminds me that while i remain to be imperfect, i still deserve to be loved. yes, i am very much imperfect. so what? everyone else is imperfect. they just love to be perfect before others. i don't have to be perfect to be loved. i have to embrace my imperfection and be not afraid to show others that part of me. to show vulnerability is to be strong. forgive. forgive others and forgive myself. that's the way to peace. bottom line is.. God loves me no matter what. He knows me. He knows what to give me at His time. He is just there guiding me.

agitated

i am still unstable. negativity still resides in me. i still feel powerless over the past. it still hurts me. i'm still affected with everything. i mean everything. but i'm fighting the feeling. i'm not going to let myself drown in that misery. no, you're not going to drown me again, just when i'm trying to saving myself. don't pull me down. you insulted my whole being. you fooled me. you made me believe even when there is really nothing. you're one stupid bitch. but i hate to say that you still make me weak. i still can't get over the fact that i was treated unfairly. it's really unfair. i tried to make it up to you but i was never enough. i was never enough for you. don't make me believe all those lies. don't make me believe that you appreciate me. if you do, you never should have let me go. you should realize that i'd be gone. but it doesn't matter to you because i don't matter to you. don't show me any affection because i don't need it. don't even try to poke the weakest part of me. don't you dare fuck with me. you fucked me enough already. so please, do me a favor... pray that i will be able to forgive you. you made me believe and i can't believe i fell for it. i fall for you over and over again. please don't do this to me. every minute you do something even if we're apart, you make me fall over and over again. even when i know that no one is there to catch me anyway. where were you anyway? fucking someone else? you don't even have the decency to keep it private. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHY ARE YOU SO INSENSITIVE THAT YOU ONLY THINK ABOUT YOURSELF? please..even when i say get off my back, i know i still want to see the person that i knew. that sweet and caring person. where is that person? why don't you treat me like before? was it because i hurt you that much? was it because you loved her, so you're feelings for me turned ice cold? i'm just tired. fucking tired of you stomping down my heart. you've let me down, over and over again. i wish i knew how to forgive. i wish i knew how to forget. i wish i knew that you won't be there in the end. we've missed a lot in each other's life. we've learned to build a life on our own. somehow a part of me still longs for you. i still long for your touch. i still long for the person that i knew. yes, the person that i knew. when we tried the last time, i realized that we are different persons now. as much as we would like to work it out, it just seems so impossible because of the pain that we both went through. i hope that i can write something more positive than this one. i'm just so agitated ok? you should know, because you've been betrayed. i lost you completely, that i have to accept. you are very different from the j that i know before. i wish i can say that you are better. but hell, you're a lot worse. pain should make you stronger not make you a bitter person.

swallowing bitterness

a friend sent me a quote regarding being bitter isn't a bad thing. hmmmm.. i didn't understand the logic at first. the quote says that like medicines, it helps us become better. so i conclude then that bitterness is like the medications we take. we don't let it stay in the mouth. we swallow it, with the help of water of course. forget about it and hope that it will leave you feeling good afterwards. in time it will.
so, that's what i'm going to do. swallow it, drink lots of water (fill my life with memorable experiences, touch other people's lives, offer the best of who i am to other people, focus on business, get closer to God, just walk with Him..all these should push the bitter pill down my throat), forget about it, HOPE for the best!

it's darkest before the dawn

i hope to see the sun rise in my life again. i hope that my FAITH in the Lord will keep me alive. i hope i will know the reason behind all these. i hope i know i will ever end up with you. i hope that we could at least be really close friends even if don't end up together. i hope that i can face you without fear that you're going to hurt me again. i hope that you remember me as a nice person. i hope that you're happy right now. i hope that you still think about fixing our relationship, whatever relationship we have. i hope that void inside of me won't get worse. i hope the Lord will fill up that void. i hope to be there with you when everyone else walks out of your life. i hope that i'd stop hoping to undo the things that is already done. i hope that you realize how special you are. i hope that we can still hang out like we use to. i hope you still remember me as the real person inside of me. i hope to still see the really nice person inside of you. i hope that you are a strong woman with a strong heart. i hope i can still kiss you whenever i want to. i hope that i can still be there for you. i hope all the pain won't matter anymore. i hope to forget the pain. i hope that i can still cling to all my hopes and not let go.

acceptance

i think it all boils down on how one accepts his/ her fate. i still cringe in pain when thoughts that they had more time together and they are still enjoying each other's company. again, where does that leave me?
the answer is acceptance. accept that she is a gift and i passed on the most precious gift to someone else. i'm glad that you touched someone's life deeply.
Lord help me, i'm barely living. once again i'm half dead. yes, part of me died a long time ago. bitterness, unforgiveness and all negativities that come with it are slowly eating me. Lord, pick me up. Help me realize that i can do so much more. I can be a blessing to others. Lord, please heal my brokenness.

oh Lord

Lord, i present myself to you. i'm all broken. i have nothing to be proud of these days except the tremendous effort to cling on to the hope that everything will be better and that You know what to give me at the right time. These past few days, i have no motivation whatsoever to live life. yes, i try to enjoy every moment but negativity seems to get a hold of me more often. i don't know exactly how i came to this state. probably because i've been far from you these days. as what i've said i have no motivation even to pray and have a deep conversation with you. a lot of things are distracting me. my past seem to have a comeback. with that letter posted in the blog. honestly, i became weak because she still has a great effect on me. my heart has been broken for so long. and it's making me crazy. how do i go about normally if i'm all broken? the person i love the most has a way to break it all over again just when i was about to pull together the pieces that is left.

maybe it's all about perspective. i should just focus more on the positive aspect of this all. she became a better person now, assuming that she's alone. she told me that she indeed became happy with another person. yes it hurts that she chose to be with that person but on the positive note, it should make me happy that another person had the time of her life for having her. i love you more than anything else in this world. i certainly hope that our paths will cross and maybe we can patch up the things that made us both broken. you are a wonderful person. the world needs someone like you. not having you near is a real torture to my soul. but being aware that someone is happy because of you, makes me forget my selfish tendencies. you may not be beside me now but i'm certain that you light up other people's lives wherever you are.

wallowing..

i read her blog and it made me think about the future that we can possibly have. i still can't tell where i stand in her life. maybe i'm just a good memory that she doesn't want to be erased, a good memory that she would love to play over and over.. i have to admit that i almost become crazy for the unexpected "letter" sent to.... a lot possibilities came to my mind. was it real? of course she's still seeing her ex. and where does that put me? i spent the whole day in bed analyzing the whole situation. if i could just see the whole picture, that would have been easier. God alone knows the whole picture. He knows who really is the one for me. He alone knows how our lives would turn out. the only thing left for us to do is hope for the best. we deserve only the best. i pray that she'll always have strength to take the blows in life. pain would always be there. again, let's leave to God our best hopes and Trust in Him.

happy endings, is there such thing?

well, yes..maybe.. when good things end, that's bad. when bad things end, that's good. sounds really ironic but makes a lot of sense. i don't want to go on talking about my past again (as in way, way back). i bumped (no, i didn't just bumped into someone. it's appropriate to insert the phrase "and then we kissed" about the "bump" scene i had with this someone) into someone last week and i thought "this is it.." right.. he texted me on tuesday or wednesday.. i dunno.. and that's it.. he never bothered reaching out to me again.. hello? am i the guy here? should i be the first one to approach? duh!

anyway..

i found a book entitled Happy Endings by Luis Katigbak. i am very much familiar with the author (not that i know him personally). it's because i stumbled upon his book "The King of Nothing to do" while strolling along the Filipiniana section of the university library. i spent a lot of time there since i am a phil. studies major. i just grabbed the book because of its cute cover (i do judge a book by its cover!). i liked it and even got inspired to write a looong entry on my multiply blog. then i also stumbled upon his blog (i don't remember how). one of his entries is about the new book "Happy Endings". i tried looking for it in national bookstore but as expected there are limited filipiniana books there. yesterday afternoon, i dropped by sm mega for some business. i went through the power books entrance since it's the neares entrance from mrt station. i just couldn't help it but go directly to filipiniana section. i have no particular book in mind. i just know at that time that i was looking for something in that section. then i saw happy endings! yey! without a second thought, i charged it on my credit card (even if it's only 200 pesos). it's definitely a good buy.. i'm almost done with it.. tsk..i have to figure out how to drop it.. i have business matters to attend to.. i hope luis katigbak writes a novel related to one of the short stories there..

fleeting happiness makes you realize..

fleeting happiness catches you by surprise to make you realize that yes, you can be happy despite the pain that has once crushed your entire being. one person left but a lot of people and opportunities are welcoming you. learning is still a never-ending process even in the middle of bliss. well, you have to realize that there should never be expectations that bliss is sustainable.. moments are fleeting.. just make the most out of it..

the fall

oh, no.. don't make me.. if you'll be gone anyway..

when we have to say goodbye..

the thing i miss the most is the person i became because of that person. that person left together with a piece of you, now you're left with a hollow space inside of you. it's not you who's difficult to forget.

read books!

"The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who
cannot read them."
- Mark Twain

and that is mainly the reason why i fell in love with books. it's magical when the piece that you're reading describes how you feel. feelings that you were unable to express may be let out uncontrollably in the form of tears. books, like movies talk to us. it lets us examine what we hold close inside of us.

adrenaline rush

Perhaps people who up and leave a life that they are used to are escaping reality. But I think it's the "reality" of others--that is, other people's idea of what life is supposed to be and how it's supposed to be lived--that they are actually shedding, so that they can make space for the kind of life, a way of living, that takes into consideration the things that they most value. A life, in other words, that reflects who they really are.
*reposted from Tara FT Sering's blog.

i love watching artists excel in their craft! it's like i can also feel the surge of adrenaline when they do what they love most. up to now, i continue to search for that thing that gives me an adrenaline rush. i believe it's performing on stage. baring myself naked, not literally on stage! hmm.. how bout a rockstar stint? i don't know.. i just want that adrenaline rush that is so contagious to the people witnessing that awe-inspiring event. i would love to be that person who pours out everything for what could be a life-changing performance of a lifetime.

the rockstar dream!

I'm currently listening to Chicosci's 7 Black Roses. Everytime I listen to this, I can't help but imagine playing this in guitar or drums and performing on stage. Oh, God. I wish you could help me learn to play an instrument. How bout violin? or guitar?

struggle

the more i struggle to have inner peace, the more powerless i feel. Lord, what do i need to do? to end this chaos within. i don't think it's still bitterness. perhaps, this is still attachment. maybe i'm too scared to let go fully of the past. i'm even more scared to admit that to myself. come to think of it, what would life be when i'm free from all the chains of the past? i'd like to believe that it's better. i feel like i'm using the past as shield to the disappointing present. or, i'm labeling the present as disappointing. Lord, i just know in my heart that i have to let go and allow my faith to You to save me. i will, i will. please.. teach me what i need to learn. teach me something that my soul seems to refuse. i'll give You my full trust. i know that You alone know what is best for me. You know what is best for me. my only task is to trust You. then everything else follows.

let's be positive here

i remember the saying, ditch those people who don't love you. they have no place in your life. don't spend time and energy trying to please someone who can't even find the pleasure of waking up every single day. oh well. i'll try to be positive from then on. there are blessings that are untapped yet. some are already right in front of my face but i still haven't noticed. blessings! blessings! there are numerous blessings that is given to us everyday. we are just too blind to see them. we are blinded by insecurity, past hurts, bitterness, and all the negativity. wake up. wake up. your life is full of blessings. it's time to give it back. be a blessing to someone else.

move on bitch

how can you say when you've really moved on from the past relationship (that includes the past hurts and all hang ups)? all i know that entering into a new relationship doesn't really prove that the past doesn't haunt a person anymore. i feel bothered when i saw her with a new boyfriend. mixed emotions engulfed me. why didn't she tell me? it could be the reason why she no longer seem to care. she even forgot my bday. whatever. she should have told me. we are friends after all. she just doesn't care for the friendship we once had.
how do you say you've moved on?
when you find yourself happy again?
define happiness then.

links

sweet roros every girl should ride.. or didn't even know they're on it..
http://astigirl.blogspot.com/2008/07/last-sweet-roro.html

luis katigbak's blog
http://songsinthecity.blogspot.com

sarah meier's blog
http://mydadknewhendrix.blogspot.com

grief is a journey
http://mourningtojoy.blogspot.com

filipino mom blogger
http://aboutmyrecovery.com

do more!

lately, i've been unhappy. some clutter still resides in my heart. some i'm not even aware of. the biggest clutter i have is the past with J. it's like i am paralyzed. i feel like i can't do things anymore. there is an empty hole in my heart. i decided to remove j in my life. but that huge hole never fails to catch my attention. i still stare at that hole, thinking that there used to be something that fills up that hole. i know that j can't be returned to that hole. simply because j no longer fits in that hole. when i tried to placed j back before in that hole, j made i worse by widening the hole. j is a small creature that i have no use in my life. that sounds harsh. my necessity for j has expired. i mean, even if i attempt to have j back, it's just not right.
i continue living my life with an awareness of that hole. i pretend and put up a front that i can do this on my own. regardless of what i think and feel in my heart, i just know that i have to do more and that i can do more. life isn't about being always happy. it's about creating meaning and living by the greatest principle..love.

bday woes

what are you supposed to feel when it's your bday?? happy? because it's a "special day" or sad because it's not special when it's supposed to be. i guess.. to be grateful is more appropriate since another year had passed yet you're still alive.. able to get through a roller coaster year.. hmm.. thank You Lord!

i pretend not to care

i pretend not to care in the coming UAAP finals between archrivals lasalle and ateneo. right now, i'm just happy the two schools met in the finals. lasalle-ateneo game is like a date. it's always thrilling and fun.. or not. this time, since it's a finals it's like a date taking place in a place like no other. a cruise maybe.
again let me tell you that a lasalle-ateneo game is more than just a ball game. (why? i'll indicate the reason when i find the right words)
i've imagined this scene before and i knew that i couldn't take the pressure of watching the finals. win or lose, it would definitely be a nerve-wracking experience. imagine two schools giving it all but in the end there's always a team that has to deal with the loss. i'm the type who can't accept a loss against ateneo. i remember the last time i watched game one for this season, i felt really disappointed that i ended up not singing our alma mater. haha. i was frustrated not because of losing itself but because i lined up two hours to get the tix and then what? i was hoping that it would break the "curse." the curse that whenever i watch a game in araneta. lasalle always ends up losing. i want to know how it feels to watch a winning game (against ateneo) in araneta! hello, Lord? is it too much to ask? i'm the going to argue with the Lord, since He is The Lord.

i pretend not to care when my sisters tease me to watch the game so that lasalle would lose. my sister (the tomasino doctor) even offered to get me tickets no matter how much it would cost her. tsss.. tsssssssssssssss... she even dared me to watch the most crucial games.. game2 or game 3 if there is. my other sister (the atenean) told me a few months back that i don't have to worry about my tix..she'll get me one (probably in ateneo alumni) so that ateneo will win the game. hah! good thing she's in japan. and the teasing is nonstop.

i pretend not to care that i would miss the flaming school spirit of two top universities in araneta. i wouldn't be a witness to a historic battle. whatever. i'll just watch the game in our tv that's older than me. yes the reception is bad but if lasalle loses maybe it wouldn't hurt that much. if lasalle wins.. IF lasalle wins..i don't know how i would feel. happy because we won. sad because i won't be able to watch it. grrrrr

the need to pluck it out

what is it in you or in our past that makes it hard for me to let go? is it my attachment to you? my attachment to the good things we had? yes you hold a very special place in my heart. but you tend to conquer my whole heart. God what is this about? i'm having a hard time. i know i'm supposed to just leave it all behind. wait let me just go back to our recent past. oh yeah. you made me feel worthless. you made me feel that you don't need me at all. you made me feel that i'm not good enough. maybe you're just being kind to me out of pity. and the greatest thing is that you can't fight for me. i don't deserve you. i just don't. but then again. i choose to be nice to you. i'm sorry but slowly i would need to pluck you out of my life.

proper mindset:
our past is already past
our past is just the past
refer only to the past to learn something from it
give up the thought that we can still be together
see the signs that you don't love me or need me (you made me feel inferior and worthless)
but it's okay, we all commit mistakes once in a while..

i just have to stop..

God please give me the courage to mercilessly pluck out that something you want out of my life. Thank you.

healing

i can feel that i'm healing. i look back on our past as a learning experience. there were mistakes and wrong decisions but nevertheless it made me a different person, a stronger person. i loved you, that's for sure. i have this youthful thoughts of settling down with you but yeah, right it's a crazy thought. i look back and i feel proud of myself for the courage that i displayed in fighting for something i though twas worth it. yes, you are worth it. but maybe i deserve better. you, too deserve only the best. i pray for peace and happiness in your life. i hope you'll always remember me as someone who values you so much and i very much know your worth. i know that you deserve all the good things in life. i hope we'll be able to forgive each other soon so we can be one another's support system.

hands down to UP!

they never fail to inject Filipino culture in their performances. it always leaves me exhilarated for their display of our rich culture. at the same time, i feel ashamed for not knowing much of our own culture. hands down to UP pep squad! woohoo! it made me ponder on why i never considered entering UP. back when i was young, when our car just pass by UP, i said to myself not to study in UP because of the widespread frat violence in the university. it was only on my last year in college that i get to have a new perspective on UP and its students. UP, the way i see it, molds students to be passionate in learning. i've noticed that students of UP are hungry to learn more and do more, create a wave of change in the society.

UP.. tsk..they make me feel ashamed for not exerting enough effort to reach my full potential.

what the F?

"Failed writer, failed life.. I love the word failure. Failure is human destiny. Failure teaches us that life is but a draft, a long rehearsal for a show that will never play." -Amelie (french film)

you get better as long as you edit every mistake in a particular draft. tss..but c'mon, we always have this tendency to prolong the agony of doing drafts until it's past the deadline.

unsaid

to j..
i still think of you often. you have been a part of me. you gave me reason to live. i am a different person because of you. i was deeply hurt because of all the things that happened between us. we both tried to fix it but it's really out of our hands. i believe that all these are meant to happen. i hope we both do well in our chosen path. i'm sorry but i just can't go on loving you anymore. there is nothing left but memories.

to mom..
i've been busy "growing up" that i forgot all about you. it's you that has been missing in my life. i look forward to the day that we'll meet again. i love you.

paramita album

full of angst resulting from a relationship that had gone bad.
makes you wallow, drown yourself temporarily in that pool of bitterness, which isn't so bad at all. it would make you realize that it's not worth it having a dip on that same pool.
expect a flashflood of memories with the heart-piercing lyrics and mellow mood of the song.

one step at a time

right now, i'm taking life one step at a time. i just got out of college and i'm now in full control of my life. it's up to me to choose which path to take. when i think about it, there's really no path laid for each one of us. there are trails that are left by those who have come ahead. along the way, there are people we meet but as we go on, we'll realize that we are really alone. those people will come and go. we may develop a special attachment to them but really no matter how long they've stayed, they will go.
right now, i'm on my own. it's up to me on how i'm going to get "there." to that place where we will all end up. i have my goals. sort of a mission in life. just like what bo sanchez said, "bite size it!" he gave michael jordan as an example. michael scores 32 points per game. how does he do it? he took it one step at a time. that's 8 points per quarter. oh yeah.

haunted

it's the time again when i'm haunted by sad memories. i know i have no choice but to close that chapter in my life and i'm about to enter a new one. maybe i'm scared. maybe i'm too scared becaue i don't really know what's in store for me outside my comfort zone. it's scary. that i refuse to leave my comfort zone even if it's not too comfortable anymore. Lord. please. help. me. i can't do this alone. i don't want to be bitter. i want to be better.

enough!

i'm never enough for you.
stupid. don't let your bitterness consume you.
there are a lot of things coming for you.
shit i think i'm developing an alter ego.

you're thinking the wrong thing

you know what to do yet you keep on complaining. always keep in mind the bigger picture. there is a reason for everything that is happening. just have faith in Me. i know where to lead You. do what you gotta do and give it your best shot. you already know your purpose. life is not for you only. offer everything to Me and to others. don't be selfish. change your autopilot.

oh Lord

dear Lord, it's getting really old. you've been letting me carry weight one after the other even when i haven't fully recovered from the first hollow block, you've already added a new one. is this a calling? do you want me to be a nun? shocks. seriously? well, i'm going to be honest with you. it would be hard for me to accept the vow of celibacy! that would make me feel deprived. haha. anyway. please lead me to where you want me to go. i think it's abroad. that's the first thing that pops to my mind. Lord God, you know i've been really struggling to meet you halfway. i don't know how i'm going to settle my wants and needs to Your demands. let's be realistic here. it's not easy to just give up and follow the path of Jesus. i want to take it little by little. i'll do my best to show my love for You and for others.

it's still killing me

i'm still hurt. no matter how hard i deny it. deep inside me it's still so painful. i don't want to hear from you. i just don't. you still have power over me. i don't want anything from you. you don't have to give me anything, not even an explanation. it's like i'm shutting you out of my life all over again. but really..this is something i have to do. i don't want to be unstable again. maybe i'm self-centered for thinking too much about myself. i just loved you too much..way too much.. and it's hard to recover. give me something when i'm somewhere far away na. haha. but then that would more expensive. you're a good person. we all have shortcomings. things happened for a reason. whatever those reasons are, we'll know in the future. let's look at the bigger picture here. this is just part of something. could be something bigger. haha. ala heroes. i'm addicted to that show. you should watch it you know. i'll remember what you said. to find something that would bring out the best in me. i will be the best. mark my word. i will be the best.

fear

fear. many would say that it should be conquered. no matter how big it is, running away should never be an option. remember those times when we're shit so scary with something that is before us that our first reaction is to leave right away. there are other fears that makes us paralyze on how we should deal with it. fear should be tackled every time we come face to face with it. that is what i should do. so help me God.

brace myself

it's not easy to face the real world at such an early age. it's overwhelming that i get to finish college in just three years. my family is already pressuring me to find work. they are definitely against the idea of me being a bum. just so they know, i have to brace myself in facing the real world.

bouts of depression

am i lazy or is it depression that's taking over me? can you blame me for not wanting to face another day? but then again, i'm always given another day that's supposed to make things better. instead of making things happen, paralysis takes over my body that i just can't move. i don't have the will to go on anymore. i seem okay but really i'm dying. is this numbness? i don't have any idea.

wanting too much

is it my fault for wanting too much? i just want to be happy, that's all. maybe i'm expecting too much. i waited for this day. but my expectations are too elaborate that it can't be met. damn. sucks to be this way. i should never expect. really!

too worldly?

maybe my priorities are too worldly. any human being would crave deep affection from another human being. one can't help but feel really depressed for not receiving. but according to Christian teachings, giving love is more important than receiving it. so, okay. now i wanna give it a try. now, where should i begin?
as soon as i woke up this morning, i prayed to God saying that i can't handle the pain..the burden of moving on from a relationship gone bad. i talked to Him and told Him that i should do something that i've never done before. i really had no idea how to handle this thing. instead, a thought hit me. i shouldn't deal with this. i should just leave it all to God. this is beyond my powers. it's not like i can still do something to save the relationship. maybe it's a relationship worth throwing away. i don't really know. it's up to God. i trust Him. i can get through this. Maybe He has better plans and at the end of this dark tunnel that i'm going through, something good will come out. i trust you Lord.

feeling empty

there always comes a time like this when i feel empty but i can't really pin point the real reason. perhaps, it stems from losing a part of me. maybe deep inside me still longs for that gap, a gap so deep that can't seem to be filled. i feel empty. i feel nothing. but i am fully aware that this isn't a journey of nothingness. this is a part that gives meaning to everything else that will come after.

in need of God's grace

i can feel my nerves tightening every time i think about the past. i have to meditate. God, where are you? i'm laying all these to you. this thing i can't handle alone. i need You to carry it with me and together we'll throw bitterness away. i need You in my life. Please never leave my side.

forgiveness

Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.
http://www.heartquotes.net/Forgiveness.html

i will forgive you..i have to be prepared because that day will come..

my attempt to re-ignite my passion

"I say you can't do anything really good until you truly don't care at all if you live or die.
kill me right now, i couldn't care less. it's only when every human misery is just a big joke that you can finally get to enjoy...this life." -Art School Confidential

where is the passion when you need it the most?

where is the passion when you need it the most?
as the song goes, passion is sometimes missing just when you need it to get going. we once claim to be passionate over someone or something. but then reality slaps us in our faces. flames of passion can get extinguished. just when you need it the most. exactly why it gets extinguished? it could be that we were once hurt. the pride for the product of that passion may have been badly criticized or it went on unappreciated. while many others say that i still have much to improve (one way of saying that i sucked), there's only one person who praised my writing. steph, it's you. you told me that you get inspired when you read my multiply blog (even my past blog, secret blog chuva). i know you write better than me that why it's worth a lot when you told me that. i've somehow lost my passion to write. i guess it's the fear that i may be judged again for the wrong grammar, wrong use of words, wrong use of tenses.. fuck that.. yes, it's true they said it for my own sake. but then i became only more conscious. it's like having a panic attack when i have to face the computer and produce something. it's almost the same as having a nervous breakdown when i stare at a blank word document. my mind refuse to bleed on that empty screen before me. i told myself that i will try my best to re-ignite that passion once again. i tried reading books and even finding articles that would help me feel that passion once again. all these were not enough to rediscover that passion. that passion for writing, which comes from the core of my heart. i remember how i quickly had to write down what i had in mind, in fear that it will soon pass my mind. where is it now? where? i don't know. i want the passion back. the passion to express myself without the fear that anyone would point out my mistakes. i just hate it when someone lets me feel that i am not good enough. it's like my mind shuts down because of the shit that's pointed out in my work. Help me God.

i officially declare myself as an artist.
"Artists live in that one narcotic bliss." -Art School Confidential

mixed thoughts

i think i know why it's hard to live life. it's because we walk with no purpose.
Catholics and Christians would always insist that we all should not hold grudges against others. Doctors, Psychologists, etc insist that it has a bad effect in our heart, or to be more particular, in our heart. Really? How do you do that? i know for sure that it's not easy at it seems to be. definitely not. as long as it is retained in the memory, it's not going to be easy to forgive. but sooner or later we all should let go of the pain, mainly for our sake. sour-graping won't do us any good after a long time of doing so. why? because we can't changed what happened in the past. it's there already. it's not like we can do something about it when we feel bitter about it. i guess forgiveness is about accepting for what had happened. with bitterness, revenge is the next thing that our instinct tells us to do, which for me isn't a good idea. c'mon! i wouldn't do that to someone i once professed to love. nyehnyeh.. it sounds stupid but i think the saying "love your enemies" makes sense. because it's the greatest "revenge" of all. your enemy would feel humiliated when you show kindness to them, plus! those gap between you and that person might just be erased. oh yeah.

feelin better

i hope this would keep on going.. now that i've decided to end everything, i feel like i've set myself free from that prison of "love" i once had for her.. i feel proud because i did a very brave thing..i know.. things will be better as the days come..

unconditional love

This is the last timeThat I will show my faceOne last tender lieAnd then I'm out of this placeSo tread it into the carpetOr hide it under the stairsSay that some things never dieWell I tried and I triedSomething I wasn't sure ofBut I was in the middle ofSomething I forget nowBut I've seen too little of

Out of boredom, I read an article about Gretchen Barretto and her illicit affairs with not just one, not even two men. This leads us to the question..why the hell does Tony Boy Cojuanco still sticks to her? Unconditional love? How pathetic. It’s sad when you stand up for something you thought is worth it. Only to realize in the end that everything’s just wasted. The time, effort, and emotions that you’ve invested are all put to waste. If I were Tony Boy, I’ll die happy with no regrets.

on being judged and doing things from the heart

i think i know the reason why i have always been mediocre. it's because when i do things, i don't put my heart into it. i don't exactly know why. maybe there is no inner drive. is it just the 'artist' in me? i'm not so sure. maybe i'm putting too much pressure on myself and on things. that is why it's not working. in the end, though, i don't feel a hundred percent satisfied.
right now, i'm finding it hard to write.. to express myself. perhaps i am again putting too much pressure. i guess the fear of being judged is there. i tend to compare myself with other better writers. beside them i feel so small. beside them, i am nothing. in one of my meditations, i realize that all i need is trust in myself and be passionate in anything that i do. it's easier said than done though. i need to meditate more. negative thoughts are easily flooded in my mind. i hate it. i have to say to myself..i want to think positive thoughts. i can do this.

not feeling well

what is really happening to me? i don't really understand what it is that i'm feeling. do i feel sad? do i feel empty? i don't know. it feels like something is missing. i'm not really sure if this was caused by our goodbye. i don't know. should i be sad over someone not worth it? probably i have gotten used to it. the pain is always there, now that we have put an end to it, should i be happy now? hayy..i have to train my mind..

timezone celebrity open

It's a sight to see. TriNoma activity center is flooded with celebs having fun for the 5th Timezone Celebrity Open. Eager on-lookers and fans crowd the surrounding venue of Celebrity Open. This event is also in celebration of Timezone's 10th year anniversary. Starstrucked fans are in awe because famous celebs are just meters away from them. Despite having barricades surrounding the activity center, that only made starstrucked fans more determined to find a perfect spot to take a peek at their favorite celebrities. With 11 teams, fans really did go gaga since celebrities are just walking around inside the venue.
Rafael Prats Jr., Timezone President hopes that this event would foster camaraderie among celebrities. This is also an opportunity to promote the distinctive brand of games that Timezone have. Games such as Ford, Deal or No Deal, Super Trivia, and Super bikes can only be found in Timezone.
To awaken the the adrenaline of participating celebs, the event started off with a cheering competition. Each of the 11 teams, prepared a routine to show off their team's color. Cool green with team members Rica Peralejo, Dianne Medina, Rodjun Cruz, Say Alonzo, Rafael Rosel, and Ping Medina proved their expertise in conquering the stage. With free games, loads of fun and friendly competition with other celebrities, Gaby de la Merced blurts out "What more can you ask for?"
We all have an idea that these celebs have a really hectic schedule. Thanks to the Timezone Celebrity Open they are able to take a few hours off from work. Despite having limited free time for relaxation,

dear Lord

it's me..Your daughter. i have been through a lot this third term. still, i manage to survive. it's because You were always there for me even though i only approach you when things mess up. i'm sorry for that. i knew how You felt when she let me feel what it feels like to be only a coping mechanism. i really want You to be a part of my life. sometimes i tend to really forget, especially when i'm too preoccupied with a lot of things. Lord God, Jesus.. more challenges still await me. i hope You will be there for me every step of the way. please Lord don't leave me because i want you to take over my life. some things are beyond my control. Your will be done. i'm really worried in my career. =( please. don't leave me. i'm about to break. kulang na lang magcollapse na ako..

mind and heart

gusto ko nalang matapos na dahil wala namang kinahihinatnan to. i mean, kung may mangyayari, dapat nangyari na. damang dama ko yung sinabi mo. sometimes i wonder, "where is that person who is supposed to make me feel like how they say in the love songs?" i mean, something pops into my head, and i try my best not to think about it, and usually i succeed and just forget, but the 12 munites (thay say) of depression really gets to me. after that i get on with my day. it happens everyday, in odd times pa. while in the classroom then you become distracted, and for that 12 minutes, you hear nothing but your thoughts. that's how it is. when will it end? maybe now. but then again, maybe never.

usually you say you're sick of it, and you are ready to let go, and you mean it, with all your heart, you really do. saying that will make you feel better most of the time, but when the time comes and you realize it, you tell yourself you don't really have a choice or even a say in the mater because it's not really you who is choosing how you are supposed to feel, it's your heart.

ewww! cheeseball. haha. bakit ba pag ganito, ang dami kong nasasabi? haha. when i had a problem in my famili (yung sa dad ko) i had nothing to say but "i'm so dazed." haha. fuck.

AYOKO NA TALAGA.

sometimes i wish i just had a headache instead of this to think about.

-sentiments of a friend..we pretty much go through the same thing..

love that always seems fucked up

parang ang hirap di ba..may taong nasa isip mo lang pero ikaw wala ka naman sa isip niya

i mean..para madali..gusto mo nlang sya alisin sa isip mo.. pag sinubukan mo..hindi pala ganon kadali..

gusto mo mgng masaya and act like everthing's ok.. later on, may something mskt sa dibdib.. gusto mo magheal pero lalo lang maskt..ewn kong it's part of the process.. pero alam mo yn.. it's hard to feel stuck..stuck..you can' t go back to the past..and at the same time you can't move on to the future.. you do things to say that "you're moving on" only to realize that a part of you is still left to that past. memories, pain and suffering still haunt you..

tpos..you start to wonder is there really someone out there.. or "the one" already left..and never coming back.. tpos you'll decide nlng to do what is right.. you keep doing it.. tpos doing what's right is not always happy.. where will you end up with? are you going to end up alone? life sucks you know.. to put it more accurately, love sucks.. is it just the expectation that's bringing you pain? or things always seem fuck up that's bringing pain?

insensitive bitch

you can't make up your mind. you only go to me when you break up with her. selfish insensitive bitch. i don't need you. to put an end, i have to give up any idea that love still exists between us.

unstable

only to realize that you are not worth it. that you are a bitch. i don't deserve you.

wala ka na sa mundo ko

muli, magkakahiwalay na naman tayo ng landas. walang pag-uusap at hindi magkikibuan. napatunayan ko sa sarili ko na kaya ko mamuhay ng wala ka. malungkot nga lang. sa pagkakataong ito, hindi na parehong lungkot ang mararamdaman ko. hindi na ako manghihinayang dahil hindi ko naman kawalan. ano ba ang nawala sa akin? napasaakin ka nga ba talaga? hindi naman. pinaasa mo lang ako at pinaasa ko lang din sarili ko. sa mga oras na inaksaya ko sayo, nalaman ko na wala ka na sa mundong ginagalawan ko. nilibing na kita sa mga alaala ko. ang kinakatakot ko lang ay baka magparamdam ka muli. hindi pa ngayon ang tamang panahon. kung magiging ok ulit tayo. wala akong panahon sa maramot na katulad mo.

may katapusan din

binigay ko na lahat. wala ng natira sa akin. tama nga sila. napapagod din pala magmahal ang puso. sana matapos na.

hanggang biyernes na lang

tatapusin ko na ang paghihirap ko sa marso 21. huling araw na iyon ng pagiging malungkot ko. bukas, sobrang magpepenetensiya ako.. hindi na ako makapapayag pang guluhin niya pa ulit ang buhay ko.. ang isip ko.. ayoko na.. magdadasal ako ng matindi.. magiisip ng matindi.. para lang matapos na ang paghihirap ko.. sobrang sakit ng ginawa mo.. ayokong makita ka.. ayokong makarinig sayo.. ayokong isipin pa kita.. puro pahirap lang ang dala mo.

stop believing

from this day on, i WILL STOP BELIEVING that you and i can ever be. you will never be able to fight for me. no, you cannot. i will distance myself from you as far as i can.
hindi pa rin ako. hindi rin ikaw. hindi tayo para sa isa't isa.

yes! completely gone

yes! you're gone.. you stopped being nice to me.. i hope it will continue.. no more references to our past.. no more strings attached to that past we once had.. it's time to start anew..

so much hate? is it worth it?

i just read a blog about the hate that brian feels for DJ.. it's filled with so much hate.. so many cuss words were said.. nonstop bashing.. he may have his reasons.. but then to carry it all through out your life isn't worth it.. i have been hurt so many times before.. even by my own family.. except for my dad..
tsk.. but if you really love the person.. if they mean so much to you..you won't be harboring ill feelings..

*i am tempted to go soft on you again.. but as what i've said.. you've done enough damage.. i can't let you ruin me again..

God's answer..

Paulo Coelho: When I'm eating, that's all I think about. If I'm on the march, I just concentrate on marching. If I have to fight, it will be just as good a day to die as any other. Because I don't live in either my past or my future. I'm interested only in the present. If you can concentrate always on the present, you'll be a happy man.

so, what now?

how do i pick up the pieces of this broken heart of mine? everything's so hard for me..
positive:
be strong.. there are so much that you have to achieve.. don't let the past affect you.. as it will bring you down.. and may stop you from moving forward..

God..please help me

i won't ask any questions why you're doing this.. but it's all too much for me to bear.. please.. help me.. please.. help me graduate.. i'm doing everything to graduate.

masakit at mahirap

ang sakit kasi.. na wala kang karamay.. wala na nga siya.. wala na rin mga kaibigan ko? tsk. putangina!

kunin mo na lahat

hindi ka pa ba kuntento? kinuha mo na lahat.. kinuha mo na siya.. maiintindihan ko kung sya lang mawawala.. baka may iba pa? ewan ko sayo. kinuha mo na rin mga kaibigan ko.. kinuha mo na lahat.. pati oras ko.. ano pa ba gusto mo? bkt di kaya kunin mo na lang din ako?

be immortal

another inspiring msg from steph..
"Art and creation as opposed to slowly killing yourself." Sabi ni Brandon Boyd. So, instead of slowli killing yourself with sadness, "incubate,"--as in the band incubus. Haha. Channel your feelings into something that will make you immortal. Make something nice and disturbing, like a painting of a heart that's breaking, or something that resembles it. Write something raw, an honest presentation of your encounter with the dementor. Write so that it will all come out, and when nothing is left, sabi ni Imogen Heap, "Theres beauty in the breakdown."
Lilipas din yan

sorrow then joy

Today marks a profound and bittersweet milestone for all of us, as we bear witness to both an end and a beginning. And while we must continue on, we must also be grateful to have been blessed with someone who has so ably guided us to where we are today. When there has been so much love and happiness for someone, it is natural to be reluctant to close such a wonderful chapter in our lives, for moving forward is rarely accomplished without considerable grief and sadness. And while our sorrow may be profound, the clouds will clear, and the sun will shine on us again. And in that warm, bright light we will find ourselves facing a glorious future. A future of exciting challenges and infinite possibilities, in which the horizon will stretch out before us, trimmed in the heavenly glow of the sunrise of our tomorrow.

from YM conversation with steph..
oo nga, selfish bitch. haha
pero i'm not supposed to say this
pero baka may attachment issues din sha sayo
ayaw oa nya mag let go ka, minsan kasi ganun eh, kahit may gusto na sha na iba
kaw nalang mag empathize
mas nakakaintindi ka naman eh
mas mature ka, so, ikaw nalang magparaya
handle it like a soldier. haha
cool under pressure
hayaan mo sha

mazda6 launching

elegance. it's the overall feel during the launching of the new Mazda6 at Blue leaf in Fort Bonifacio. adding up to the classy atmosphere are the guests who were requested to come in black. executives and mazda people came to celebrate the new Mazda6 that promises that zoom-zoom feeling. to those people used to taking the backseat and let the driver be in control would probably fire their driver. because this is really a car that makes you want to drive it all the time. Mazda has provided for them a driver friendly car. everything for the comfort of the driver is provided. everything that you need and want in a car is in the new Mazda6.

right time

there is a right time for everything. we care for each other but it's still not enough for us to be together. you are with someone. you can't fight for me. maybe we are not meant to be. i won't force things. i've decided to just let things be. let things flow. maybe, plans fail because it's really not meant to be. of course, i would like us to be friends. but it's not possible as of the moment. the cut is so deep that there my brain seems to shut off the idea that we can still be together. the pain was all too much for me to bear. i still feel a bit stupid for saying my real feelings to you. only to feel ridiculed because i still wasn't enough for you. it's over. and i have given up any idea that we can still be together.

pathetic

i can't help but feel sorry for myself.. after a long time of pain, you weren't worth it after all. but still.. i'm glad that it's over.. i don't feel sorry now that i've totally lost you.. as what i've said, you are not worth it.. you chose to be with her.. so okay.. i'm letting you be..

now that you're gone..

I WISH YOU'LL NEVER COME BACK!
i don't view this negatively. this would be a good way for me to really move on. i don't need someone like you in my life. i don't someone who sees me only as an option. someone who knows my worth but at the same time makes me feel worthless. isn't that ironic? tsk. i don't need you in my life. ok. i don't need you. it's better now that we're not talking again. it's better now that i've totally lost you.

purpose?

maybe i do have purpose in life. whatever that may be, it could be something big. no i'm not longing to have a mark in the history books. i'd be more contented with leaving a permanent mark in people's hearts..

maybe i'm becoming too emotional again.. i must not forget that this is all part of life.. everything's just a phase that we have to go through.. it will end soon no matter how difficult it is.. as for "us".. it's over.. totally over.. no hope for us.. i thought you're the ONE.. i guess the ONE is just an idea.. yes maybe destiny would bring us back together again.. hopefully when all is well.. all wounds are healed.. you have your life right now.. i have mine..

someone save me

i cried out the same thing few months ago.. i still end up saving myself.. Lord, you know what.. it's hard to be always on my own.. it's really hard.. thanks..i'm still breathing..

i need to..

distance myself.. go away from you as much as possible..
YOU DO NO GOOD TO ME
YOU ARE NOT WORTH IT
I HATE YOU
you're just someone i once knew.

feeling worthless

there's nothing more depressing than feeling really worthless.. i'm not romantically speaking.. it's actually worse than that.. it's really an awful feeling.. when you're being judged.. and you know that they have the right to judge you.. and what hurts is you know you did your best but still, it wasn't good enough..and then you start to question your worth..hayy.. what have i done to deserve this Lord? am i really that bad? sometimes i would think that i should just die.. but no.. i wanna die happy.. i want my last memories on earth to be happy.. tsk.. i'm not good enough.. now i know how a suicidal's mind works.. and this pain that i feel because of her seems endless! why? i really tried not to care.. why? why Lord? this is torture..

since you're God and i have to do the work.. i WILL NOT turn back now.. j__ and i are really over.. there's zero possibility that we can still be together.. i just have to be at peace with that fact..

now, on being articulate in English, hmmmm.. that stuff can be learned with intense study..

Lord, have mercy on me.. i did something awful a while ago.. tsk.. sorry..

hayy..shit happens in life..

tangina salamat ah!

masakit kasi hindi ka nagpaparamdam.
but it's better this way.
i need to get you out of my system.
wag ka nang bumalik pa.
puro sakit na lang nagawa mo.
tama na.
hindi ka pa nakuntento.

i surrender

it's not possible.. clearly.. you can't fight for me..

YOU ARE NOT WORTH IT.

three days to live

IF YOU DO ONLY HAVE 3 DAYS TO LIVE HERE ON EARTH,
WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH THOSE REMAINING DAYS?

-i copied this from my friend's blog..

DAY ONE
-spend it with my friends.. hs friends classmates and barkada, some blockmates, phm people, plaridel people
-just be happy with chilling out with them
-final drinking spree

DAY TWO
-spend time with family..bora!

DAY THREE
-spend time with her.. forget everything painful that happened..
-kiss her and hug her for the very last time..say my goodbye..
-really have a DECENT goodbye

BAD idea!

i knew it.. it wasn't a good idea after all.. how can you call it love when there isn't sacrifice involved? how can you say that you love a person when you don't fight for that person? everything's just bullshit.. yeah i think i have successfully drained myself.. there's nothing left to me.. nothing.. i am nothing.. i mean nothing to you.. i am nothing.. when will this suffering end? i'm done.. i can't stand it.. i just wanna end it all..

sorry hindi ko na nakayanan..

awwwwwwwwwww

aw

aww

awww

awwww

awwwww

awwwwww

awwwwwww

awwwwwwww

awwwwwwwww

awwwwwwwwww

not aww, sweet..

as in aww, masakit..tsk..those little things..

currently on the process of draining..

kiLL

if i stop blogging here..
that means i stopped breathing..

i love her.. so much..

nothing else matters..

prep for that goodbye

i have never been this sure about someone.. i know that i want to be with her.. for the rest of my life..if possible.. i love her that much.. that all the painful things that has been said and done don't matter anymore to me.. i love her..

but apparently she's confused.. hmm.. i don't know if this would still work.. i don't know.. right now, i just have to be prepared for that FINAL goodbye.. i love her.. it's all that matters..

and so it's over

yea i guess it really is.. my friend who read her email that it really is.. it's better to assume that you and i can never be.. you said that yourself.. maybe i'm too scared to let go because of the fear that i might not find someone new.. hah! ako pa! no, my goal is not to find someone new.. my goal is to make myself available.. i seem so preoccupied with the things that's done.. i'm so preoccupied that i forget to notice things that's happening right before my eyes.. i fail to see the beauty of each person i meet! tsk! i'll go my on my own now.. and really free myself from that grip of our past.. let go is such a heavy word.. so instead i'll use the word liberate.. forgetting you is really freeing my self for all the shit that you've caused..

and the pain still lingers

the truth is i still can't get over the fact that you quickly replaced me with someone new. now, it's all fucking hard. everything's a mess. you're probably confused. but all i can say is that i'm turning my back on you. it's over. our time together has ended. maybe we're not meant. for now, i don't wanna dwell on our past and just continue living in the present. i don't wanna remain stuck. again, i'm doing this coz i'm letting you be. and i'm letting things unfold. whatever happens, happens.

D E T O X I F Y

it's the only way to take away all the negativities in me! loving someone is always painful. the only way to stop feeling the pain is to get you out of my system. friends warned me that this is a painful. from time to time i might have the tendency to look back. but then i have to realize that i have come to the point of no return.

complexities of love

so nega..
i can imagine you happy with someone else, not even bothering to think about me.. i'm the one person who almost died just holding on to the love we once had. maybe i'm the only one who could not get over the past. you're there but not exactly there. you love me but not totally. you now share your love with somebody else. and where does that put me? in the shelf of your past. with dust and cobwebs suffocating me.

on the brighter side..
you taught me what is love all about. it's letting the other person be. loving without hesitation. loving without asking for anything in return. it's letting the other find his/her own happiness. i should now be satisfied just loving you from afar. than having you there but not exactly there. i must remind myself that this is a noble thing to do.

i can't wait for the day when i'll be happy again. with another person? in this life? probably. but can we really tell? i would rather die. i think i've done what i have come to do.

selfish

that's so selfish of you to play with our feelings.. it was very selfish that you only thought of your feelings..after that night, i knew that you're gone.. you wanted to be with me.. but you also can't let go of the other.. there's no need for you to choose.. because i already decided to move on.. as what i always say, we shared something special in the past.. but i just can't cling on that memory anymore.. still, thank you.. i know that there's no future for us..

I KNOW THAT YOU CANNOT LOVE ME LIKE BEFORE.. I'M JUST SOMEONE FROM YOUR PAST.. the past does not exist.. yes, i feel empty.. but then i know i'll find something or someone to fill up that lacking space that you left..thank you..

i hope someday we'll heal all our wounds..

true love?

just early this morning i was euphoric because i thought maybe i knew what it's like to truly love someone.. i understood what it's like to love without expecting anything in return.. not to dwell in the past.. and just let things unfold.. i thought i'll be ok.. but then.. there's a stabbing pain when i remember that i'm not the one that she loves.. she tells me that love will always be there.. c'mon.. what's that supposed to mean?

well i guess that's what love is all about.. label it as true.. it still hurts like hell..

now i know and i have to let go

fuck life! it's all clear to me now.. she already told me.. i guess it's enough for our closure.. i just want to be happy.. i just want to love again.. i want to feel that love still exists.. it's over.. it's really over.. it's just our past.. it's never coming back.. i have to say goodbye now.. later.. on saturday..