Wednesday, November 26, 2008

swallowing bitterness

a friend sent me a quote regarding being bitter isn't a bad thing. hmmmm.. i didn't understand the logic at first. the quote says that like medicines, it helps us become better. so i conclude then that bitterness is like the medications we take. we don't let it stay in the mouth. we swallow it, with the help of water of course. forget about it and hope that it will leave you feeling good afterwards. in time it will.
so, that's what i'm going to do. swallow it, drink lots of water (fill my life with memorable experiences, touch other people's lives, offer the best of who i am to other people, focus on business, get closer to God, just walk with Him..all these should push the bitter pill down my throat), forget about it, HOPE for the best!

Friday, November 21, 2008

it's darkest before the dawn

i hope to see the sun rise in my life again. i hope that my FAITH in the Lord will keep me alive. i hope i will know the reason behind all these. i hope i know i will ever end up with you. i hope that we could at least be really close friends even if don't end up together. i hope that i can face you without fear that you're going to hurt me again. i hope that you remember me as a nice person. i hope that you're happy right now. i hope that you still think about fixing our relationship, whatever relationship we have. i hope that void inside of me won't get worse. i hope the Lord will fill up that void. i hope to be there with you when everyone else walks out of your life. i hope that i'd stop hoping to undo the things that is already done. i hope that you realize how special you are. i hope that we can still hang out like we use to. i hope you still remember me as the real person inside of me. i hope to still see the really nice person inside of you. i hope that you are a strong woman with a strong heart. i hope i can still kiss you whenever i want to. i hope that i can still be there for you. i hope all the pain won't matter anymore. i hope to forget the pain. i hope that i can still cling to all my hopes and not let go.


i think it all boils down on how one accepts his/ her fate. i still cringe in pain when thoughts that they had more time together and they are still enjoying each other's company. again, where does that leave me?
the answer is acceptance. accept that she is a gift and i passed on the most precious gift to someone else. i'm glad that you touched someone's life deeply.
Lord help me, i'm barely living. once again i'm half dead. yes, part of me died a long time ago. bitterness, unforgiveness and all negativities that come with it are slowly eating me. Lord, pick me up. Help me realize that i can do so much more. I can be a blessing to others. Lord, please heal my brokenness.

oh Lord

Lord, i present myself to you. i'm all broken. i have nothing to be proud of these days except the tremendous effort to cling on to the hope that everything will be better and that You know what to give me at the right time. These past few days, i have no motivation whatsoever to live life. yes, i try to enjoy every moment but negativity seems to get a hold of me more often. i don't know exactly how i came to this state. probably because i've been far from you these days. as what i've said i have no motivation even to pray and have a deep conversation with you. a lot of things are distracting me. my past seem to have a comeback. with that letter posted in the blog. honestly, i became weak because she still has a great effect on me. my heart has been broken for so long. and it's making me crazy. how do i go about normally if i'm all broken? the person i love the most has a way to break it all over again just when i was about to pull together the pieces that is left.

maybe it's all about perspective. i should just focus more on the positive aspect of this all. she became a better person now, assuming that she's alone. she told me that she indeed became happy with another person. yes it hurts that she chose to be with that person but on the positive note, it should make me happy that another person had the time of her life for having her. i love you more than anything else in this world. i certainly hope that our paths will cross and maybe we can patch up the things that made us both broken. you are a wonderful person. the world needs someone like you. not having you near is a real torture to my soul. but being aware that someone is happy because of you, makes me forget my selfish tendencies. you may not be beside me now but i'm certain that you light up other people's lives wherever you are.


i read her blog and it made me think about the future that we can possibly have. i still can't tell where i stand in her life. maybe i'm just a good memory that she doesn't want to be erased, a good memory that she would love to play over and over.. i have to admit that i almost become crazy for the unexpected "letter" sent to.... a lot possibilities came to my mind. was it real? of course she's still seeing her ex. and where does that put me? i spent the whole day in bed analyzing the whole situation. if i could just see the whole picture, that would have been easier. God alone knows the whole picture. He knows who really is the one for me. He alone knows how our lives would turn out. the only thing left for us to do is hope for the best. we deserve only the best. i pray that she'll always have strength to take the blows in life. pain would always be there. again, let's leave to God our best hopes and Trust in Him.