pride in business

i have so much pride in my body. and i'm becoming aware that it's harmful in my life. maybe, i have to displace that pride in another area of my life. i should take pride in the business that i do. i should not treat it as a rebound. as some top earners would say, "mahalin mo lang itong negosyo, mamahalin ka rin nito." but right now, i'm not treating the business with justice. i take pride in this business. whoever says that this business is for trying hard entrepreneurs is being judgmental. networkers do business with principle. they are in a legal business, ok? they have different strategies to let people know about the business. i don't need to go any further. i take pride in what i do.

spontaneous and no plans at all

Before year 2008 ended, I vowed to myself that I'm going to be more spontaneous in the following year. Indeed, I lived up to my word. I resigned from my call center job with no clear plans as to what my next step would be. Until now, I still have not had my clearance in the company I worked for. I said that I will be focusing on my business, only to discover that having this business is not easy as I thought it would be. Looking back, I realized that the assurance of my uplines was what really made me go for this business. I have their full support but it seems that I can't support myself. With all these disappointments, I don't know how to go on anymore. Swallowing pride is first and foremost the most difficult thing for someone who only has PRIDE. Yes, I am so full of myself. Even if I have nothing to brag about, I seem to brag the little things. How do I get rid of pride, especially if that is all left of the person? Fuck.

photos sometimes lie

i have just uploaded our bora photos in multiply, facebook, and friendster. it was a "perfect" vacation. bora is the place to be! true enough, many envied my so called fun life. photos don't always capture the whole picture. it does not go beyond the surface. yes, i may look like i'm happy but the truth is that i'm a person who is having a difficulty coming into terms with my past. i feel stuck and i feel like i'm developing this homing instinct with my situation. i don't know. i'm so fucked up. i always try to be in control. i can't let this happen to me. i mean, fuck..i can do more. i can be a better person. but my hang ups are stopping me. fuck, fuck, fuck!!! please, Lord, help me..

my whole being is on strike

i'm just not in the mood in doing something. what for? i wish i'd disappear.

sort it out

how shall i begin this? i've been thinking about her ever since god knows when. no amount of distraction can make me leave any thoughts of her off my mind. maybe it's the holiday hangover. we did not greet each other as expected. our pride has created a high wall between us and i can't even imagine how we'll sort of meet each other. i got hurt real bad and i feel like is shouldn't be the one to reach out to her. why the fuck will i do that? my pride just would not let me. well, i guess i have to fix my state of mind first before i ever face her again. it has been months since we last saw each other. but what the hell. we're not part of each other's life. i still have no idea where i am in her life. apparently nowhere. just a memory and that's fine. nothing wrong with that because she also is just a part of my memory. someone in the past that keeps bugging me even if we are physically away from each other for a very long time now. deep in my heart, i long to fix things with you. not really get back to you, just patch things up. give up the hurt, anger and all the negativities boiling inside of me. despite the sloshing of fucked up emotions inside of me, i'm still thankful that regret isn't one of them. i've been slapped hard in the face with regrets so i know how bad it is. let me try and sort this fucking emotions that are really confusing me.
ANGER
BITTERNESS
PAIN
WHAT IFS
let me do that in the next entry. bye for now.