emotional baggage

Whether I put a name on it or not, I always have this emotional baggage that I carry everywhere I go. As much as I would like to get rid of it, I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to do that. They say forgive everyone who offended you, who have sinned against you, who put you through a lot of crap. To say 'i forgive you' is easy, but to really mean it is an entirely different story. They say, it starts with the Lord. So ok, where do I find you Lord? Because you seem to be absent in my life for a long time. Am I too negative or nothing is really happening?

darkness

i am currently living in utter darkness. i can't see the path where i'm supposed to head. from where i'm standing, i can see several roads but i don't know how i'm going to be in any of that road. i feel like there isn't something or someone that would save me. in times like this, i'd like to believe that God is watching over me. i'd like to believe that God will help me. i'd like to believe that with Him all things are possible. i'd like to believe that He wants my complete trust before i get on. i'm feeling weak, frustrated, angry, and i'm losing hope. what should i do? should i stop and wait for something to happen? should i go on and search for something? what if i don't find something like what happened before? i really don't know anymore. as much as i would want to trust God with everything, i don't know if i should act or stop. so what's next for me? what's in it for me?

where you at?

maybe where i'd like to isn't where i'm supposed to be? but whatever You plan for me, i hope it's good.

let me have a life

i still don't have a job therefore i don't have a life. why Lord? i'm losing my sanity! i'm just so fuckin worthless. i'm not doing anything worthwhile. i can't find my direction, if there is a direction. please illuminate that direction. where am i headed? where am i going? i have no idea. i have no idea. i thought i had an idea. i thought it was easy. but it wasn't. where am i headed? where is this nothingness leading me? where do i go from here? where? why are you letting me suffer this way? kulang pa ba? i'm losing it. please. i don't know anymore. you've taken everything away.

keep on hoping but can't get moving

i see myself now as a failure. i don't know what to feel towards the recent happenings. it's just too much for me to handle. i don't know where God is directing me. i don't know if i'm mad at HIM or what. i just don't know anymore. i'd like to believe that there is a job for me. i just hope that i still have the strength to get going.

Lord, i know i'm not worthy to ask anything from You. please help me get a job. i've been searching for months now and no job seems to want me. i know i've done crazy stuff before and maybe i deserve this punishment. but please i'm begging You to help me get a job before August. i kept on finding a job but it didn't work. i pray that the job would find me. it sounds impossible yeah. but i don't think i still have the strength to keep looking. i pray that i'll get a job that is 'perfect' for me. perfect in a sense that it will match my skills, will lead me to achieve my long term goals, good salary, good working environment, convenient and safe office, nice bosses, nice company, and all that would explain why i didn't get the jobs that i applied for.

i sound demanding but they say that you have to pray specifically. i also pray for the strength to go on.

i get what i want! i want! i want! i want!

i feel like i'm dying

just when i thought that i was accepting the past, i suddenly felt my heart ache as i remember the pain you've caused. because of you, i found it hard to open up due to my fear of getting insulted again. ouch.