i think i know the reason why i have always been mediocre. it's because when i do things, i don't put my heart into it. i don't exactly know why. maybe there is no inner drive. is it just the 'artist' in me? i'm not so sure. maybe i'm putting too much pressure on myself and on things. that is why it's not working. in the end, though, i don't feel a hundred percent satisfied.
right now, i'm finding it hard to write.. to express myself. perhaps i am again putting too much pressure. i guess the fear of being judged is there. i tend to compare myself with other better writers. beside them i feel so small. beside them, i am nothing. in one of my meditations, i realize that all i need is trust in myself and be passionate in anything that i do. it's easier said than done though. i need to meditate more. negative thoughts are easily flooded in my mind. i hate it. i have to say to myself..i want to think positive thoughts. i can do this.
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