keep on hoping but can't get moving

i see myself now as a failure. i don't know what to feel towards the recent happenings. it's just too much for me to handle. i don't know where God is directing me. i don't know if i'm mad at HIM or what. i just don't know anymore. i'd like to believe that there is a job for me. i just hope that i still have the strength to get going.

Lord, i know i'm not worthy to ask anything from You. please help me get a job. i've been searching for months now and no job seems to want me. i know i've done crazy stuff before and maybe i deserve this punishment. but please i'm begging You to help me get a job before August. i kept on finding a job but it didn't work. i pray that the job would find me. it sounds impossible yeah. but i don't think i still have the strength to keep looking. i pray that i'll get a job that is 'perfect' for me. perfect in a sense that it will match my skills, will lead me to achieve my long term goals, good salary, good working environment, convenient and safe office, nice bosses, nice company, and all that would explain why i didn't get the jobs that i applied for.

i sound demanding but they say that you have to pray specifically. i also pray for the strength to go on.

i get what i want! i want! i want! i want!

i feel like i'm dying

just when i thought that i was accepting the past, i suddenly felt my heart ache as i remember the pain you've caused. because of you, i found it hard to open up due to my fear of getting insulted again. ouch.

things to do when i get home

1. get a license
2. get a job
3. get a life
4. exercise daily. hey, exerise releases endorphins in our brains. endorphins make us happy. happy people don't kill other people. hehe
5. confess
6. pray
7. forgive
8. be happy
9. be rich
10. love

i've packed my luggage. i've been far away only to realize that distance is irrelevant. i'm still hurting. not because you didn't love me back. not because our relationship didn't work. not because you insulted me. it's BECAUSE it's finally sinking in. i lost YOU and you're never coming back. one day we'll face each other again and i know for sure that i will not see the same person i used to know.

you know why losing you hurts so much? it's because i put on this front that i'm a strong person and i don't know how to be vulnerable again. i'm alienated to others and so on.. life sucks after that.

i still see you as a wonderful person. i hate myself for loving you still. i hate myself more for admitting it. wherever you are i pray for your safety and happiness.

time to sort out

damn it i live in the past sometimes the future but rarely the present. it's not supposed to be this way. but then again i hate to admit it but i find it difficult to live in the NOW. i guess it's only possible if you're really happy with the present.

why i look back..
i used to be a really open person. it's easy for me to like and trust people. after getting hurt so bad by random people, it's just so hard to appear vulnerable again. i noticed in myself that i ALWAYS appear strong but the truth is i'm not. i appear everything that i'm not. i guess i found it easier that way. i'm not getting hurt but i'm alienating myself from others.

into the future..
i daydream a lot, hoping that things will unfold the way that i want it or the way it would solve my situation. i picture it in my mind but it's never happening. i guess what i visualize isn't the best for me.

something better than what i think is best is going to happen. it's not my job to figure it out but to just welcome it with open arms.

thank you God for being there always.

now a year after

maybe i haven't forgiven you yet for all the insults that i've taken from you. but everyday i pray to the Lord to give me strength to forgive you. i just don't know how to reach out to you or do i have to be the one to reach out?

in love

yes, i've always been in love. but unlike other people, i am unhappy. why? because i got it all wrong. i'm in love with the past. i've forgotten about the person. i'm just in love with our past. it's all an illusion. now, how do you stop that?