bday woes

what are you supposed to feel when it's your bday?? happy? because it's a "special day" or sad because it's not special when it's supposed to be. i guess.. to be grateful is more appropriate since another year had passed yet you're still alive.. able to get through a roller coaster year.. hmm.. thank You Lord!

i pretend not to care

i pretend not to care in the coming UAAP finals between archrivals lasalle and ateneo. right now, i'm just happy the two schools met in the finals. lasalle-ateneo game is like a date. it's always thrilling and fun.. or not. this time, since it's a finals it's like a date taking place in a place like no other. a cruise maybe.
again let me tell you that a lasalle-ateneo game is more than just a ball game. (why? i'll indicate the reason when i find the right words)
i've imagined this scene before and i knew that i couldn't take the pressure of watching the finals. win or lose, it would definitely be a nerve-wracking experience. imagine two schools giving it all but in the end there's always a team that has to deal with the loss. i'm the type who can't accept a loss against ateneo. i remember the last time i watched game one for this season, i felt really disappointed that i ended up not singing our alma mater. haha. i was frustrated not because of losing itself but because i lined up two hours to get the tix and then what? i was hoping that it would break the "curse." the curse that whenever i watch a game in araneta. lasalle always ends up losing. i want to know how it feels to watch a winning game (against ateneo) in araneta! hello, Lord? is it too much to ask? i'm the going to argue with the Lord, since He is The Lord.

i pretend not to care when my sisters tease me to watch the game so that lasalle would lose. my sister (the tomasino doctor) even offered to get me tickets no matter how much it would cost her. tsss.. tsssssssssssssss... she even dared me to watch the most crucial games.. game2 or game 3 if there is. my other sister (the atenean) told me a few months back that i don't have to worry about my tix..she'll get me one (probably in ateneo alumni) so that ateneo will win the game. hah! good thing she's in japan. and the teasing is nonstop.

i pretend not to care that i would miss the flaming school spirit of two top universities in araneta. i wouldn't be a witness to a historic battle. whatever. i'll just watch the game in our tv that's older than me. yes the reception is bad but if lasalle loses maybe it wouldn't hurt that much. if lasalle wins.. IF lasalle wins..i don't know how i would feel. happy because we won. sad because i won't be able to watch it. grrrrr

the need to pluck it out

what is it in you or in our past that makes it hard for me to let go? is it my attachment to you? my attachment to the good things we had? yes you hold a very special place in my heart. but you tend to conquer my whole heart. God what is this about? i'm having a hard time. i know i'm supposed to just leave it all behind. wait let me just go back to our recent past. oh yeah. you made me feel worthless. you made me feel that you don't need me at all. you made me feel that i'm not good enough. maybe you're just being kind to me out of pity. and the greatest thing is that you can't fight for me. i don't deserve you. i just don't. but then again. i choose to be nice to you. i'm sorry but slowly i would need to pluck you out of my life.

proper mindset:
our past is already past
our past is just the past
refer only to the past to learn something from it
give up the thought that we can still be together
see the signs that you don't love me or need me (you made me feel inferior and worthless)
but it's okay, we all commit mistakes once in a while..

i just have to stop..

God please give me the courage to mercilessly pluck out that something you want out of my life. Thank you.

healing

i can feel that i'm healing. i look back on our past as a learning experience. there were mistakes and wrong decisions but nevertheless it made me a different person, a stronger person. i loved you, that's for sure. i have this youthful thoughts of settling down with you but yeah, right it's a crazy thought. i look back and i feel proud of myself for the courage that i displayed in fighting for something i though twas worth it. yes, you are worth it. but maybe i deserve better. you, too deserve only the best. i pray for peace and happiness in your life. i hope you'll always remember me as someone who values you so much and i very much know your worth. i know that you deserve all the good things in life. i hope we'll be able to forgive each other soon so we can be one another's support system.

hands down to UP!

they never fail to inject Filipino culture in their performances. it always leaves me exhilarated for their display of our rich culture. at the same time, i feel ashamed for not knowing much of our own culture. hands down to UP pep squad! woohoo! it made me ponder on why i never considered entering UP. back when i was young, when our car just pass by UP, i said to myself not to study in UP because of the widespread frat violence in the university. it was only on my last year in college that i get to have a new perspective on UP and its students. UP, the way i see it, molds students to be passionate in learning. i've noticed that students of UP are hungry to learn more and do more, create a wave of change in the society.

UP.. tsk..they make me feel ashamed for not exerting enough effort to reach my full potential.

what the F?

"Failed writer, failed life.. I love the word failure. Failure is human destiny. Failure teaches us that life is but a draft, a long rehearsal for a show that will never play." -Amelie (french film)

you get better as long as you edit every mistake in a particular draft. tss..but c'mon, we always have this tendency to prolong the agony of doing drafts until it's past the deadline.

unsaid

to j..
i still think of you often. you have been a part of me. you gave me reason to live. i am a different person because of you. i was deeply hurt because of all the things that happened between us. we both tried to fix it but it's really out of our hands. i believe that all these are meant to happen. i hope we both do well in our chosen path. i'm sorry but i just can't go on loving you anymore. there is nothing left but memories.

to mom..
i've been busy "growing up" that i forgot all about you. it's you that has been missing in my life. i look forward to the day that we'll meet again. i love you.